I’m Not Over My Ex But I Pretend To Be

After the most grueling breakup of my life, I took all the necessary steps to get over my now ex-boyfriend for good. The only problem is that I’m still in love with him, so how am I supposed to move on? I’m doing my best but I still find myself thinking about him constantly. I pretend I’m over him but it’s pretty clear I’m not.

  1. I still scroll through our text convos. I am not above admitting that I still — to this day — look at our past text convos and reminiscing about how good things were between us when they happened. I feel so lame for doing it, but I can’t help it; it’s almost like an addiction at this point. A sad, sad, addiction.
  2. I rehearse what I would say to you if I saw him again. Every now and then, I have these fantasies of meeting him at random on the street and having the perfect thing to say. Of course, seeing me after all these years will instantly make him fall in love with me all over again. I would say something like, “Hey, stranger” a la Meg Ryan and he’ll have no choice but to take me back. At least, that’s what’s happening in my mind.
  3. I get sad when I see someone who reminds me of him. I run into his doppelgängers everywhere and I wish I could just give them a smirk and move on, but it seriously puts me in a downward spiral. It reminds me that I’m still not over my ex and I have his body-doubles running around town reminding me of that on a daily basis.
  4. I still have regrets over how we left things. I wish I could see him again just so we could talk things through. The way we left things was not exactly “positive vibes” and I can’t help but think that’s one of the reasons why I can’t stop thinking about him. I wish we at least kept in contact with each other. It’s the lack of closure that’s keeping him in my thoughts, I’m sure of it.
  5. I smile when I think of the good times. I can’t lie — there are certain moments that will always make me smile. Even though he essentially cut me off, I don’t feel guilty for keeping some of the great memories in my mind if I need to feel better about us. I still have feelings for him and those feelings are strong, judging by the thoughts that are playing over and over in my mind.
  6. I haven’t thrown out any of his stuff. That t-shirt he left at my house is still here — and yeah, I washed it; I’m not that obsessed. I just haven’t reached the point where I’m ready to get rid of it. I guess a part of me likes missing him. It keeps him in my life in a weird (but totally not creepy, right?) way.
  7. I think about visiting him at work. I walk by his workplace all the time and I’ve thought about going in just to say hi but haven’t done it yet. I now realize that I shouldn’t see him until I’ve officially moved on. It would be too hard for me to act all nonchalant and like I don’t care about him because I honestly still do.
  8. I still compare every guy I date to him. Yeah, I’m that girl who talks about her ex on a first date. I don’t want to be that girl, but so far, no one that I’ve met seems like boyfriend material and until I find a guy who measures up, I don’t think I’ll ever stop comparing my dates to my ex.
  9. When his name comes up, I play it cool, but it’s all just an act. When I hear his name come up in conversation, I act like I don’t give a crap. Meanwhile, I’m low-key freaking out inside. It puts me in a really weird head space and I can’t even really talk about him. I just shrug my shoulders and pretend I misheard my friends when they say his name. Sorry, who?
  10. I’m constantly wondering if he feels the same way I do. As I dream of our past love, I can’t help but wonder if he’s doing the same thing. My instinct is to of course assume that he’s having the time of your life without me but if I’m still holding onto us, maybe he is too?
  11. If he wanted to get back together, I would say yes. If he called me out of the blue and asked to get back together, you’d better believe I would say yes. I was mad about our breakup at first, but now I realize I’m missing out on love, which hurts me way more. I sometimes lie awake at night and fantasize about him asking me out again. I’m not pathetic for doing this — I’m still in love with him and that’s just what happens.
Jennifer is a playwright, dancer, and theatre nerd living in the big city of Toronto, Canada. She studied Creative Writing at Concordia University and works as a lifestyle writer who focuses on Health, B2B, Tech, Psychology, Science, Food Trends and Millennial Life. She's also a coreographer, playwright, and lyricist, with choreography credits for McMaster University’s “Spring Awakening,” “Roxanne” for the Guelph Contemporary Dance Festival, and “The Beaver Den” for The LOT, among others.

You can see more of her work on her Contently page and follow her on Instagram @jenniferenchin.