When the guy you’re dating suddenly starts pulling away, it’s hard not to figure out that he’s losing interest. He doesn’t text you as much. He isn’t asking about your day or when he can see you next and when you are together, he just seems… bored. Was it something you did? Maybe, but not necessarily. Here are some possibilities for why he seems way less invested these days and what you can do about it.
- He met someone else. No one knows when they’re going to meet someone amazing, and unfortunately, that means you could be replaced unexpectedly. Especially with online dating, we tend to date a few people at once, and at some point, one of those people is going to take the lead. It’s not always going to be you.
- He’s too busy with work. A relationship takes time and effort, and if he’s working 60 hours a week, making time for you might not be a top priority for him at the moment. While a lot of guys use this as an excuse when they’re just not feeling you, there’s definitely a chance he’s legitimately losing interest because his career ambitions are taking up most of his brain space.
- You turned out to be not who he thought you were. An initial attraction doesn’t always last once you get to know each other. Everyone’s on their best behavior in the beginning, but as time goes on, he might realize you’re not what he’s looking for. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but if he had a particular idea of you in his head and then discovers you’re someone different the more he gets to know you, it only makes sense that he’s going to start losing interest.
- He doesn’t see a long-term future with you. He loves hanging out with you casually, but he doesn’t see you as someone he can take home to his parents and build a long-term relationship with. If he knows that you’re looking for something serious and potentially life-long, he’s going to start pulling away if he’s not on the same page.
- He doesn’t want it to get serious. Whether he was always upfront about not wanting a serious girlfriend or not, the chances of you changing his mind are pretty slim. Guys know they can only casually date a girl for so long before she starts expecting more, so maybe your relationship has hit its predetermined expiration date. He’s losing interest naturally because your relationship has run its course.
- He thinks you’re not into him. Some women like to sit back and let the guy do all the pursuing, but there comes a point where if he’s not getting any positive reinforcement, he’s going to give up. So, if you like him, let him know! Guys need some reassurance sometimes too!
- There’s no chemistry. Yes, you would think this would be apparent pretty quickly, but it’s possible that he hung around because he thought something might change and you might build chemistry over time. Since that hasn’t happened, he’s started losing interest because he sees things as a bit of a waste of time. If you’re honest with yourself, you probably know this yourself. Let him go and find someone you do actually gel with!
- You just want different things. If you want a relationship and he doesn’t, it was bound to end eventually. Or, it could be something even smaller like you’re a vegan and he just can’t imagine a life without meat. Little differences can often become major deal-breakers the longer you’re with someone and that could be what happened here.
- You came on way too strong. Guys don’t like needy or clingy girls. If you’re acting like that too early on, he’s going to cut his losses and escape while he still can. In other words, he’s losing interest because you’re showing too much of it. There’s a fine balance between letting him know you’re into him and jumping in head-first.
- He was just in it for the chase. As frustrating as it is, some guys start losing interest the second they get what they want. The only thing you can do is try to spot these ones before you regret letting him in.
What to do when you notice he’s losing interest
While it’s possible that there’s no coming back and that your relationship is over, it could be that there’s a way to get things back on track if you play it right. Here’s what to do if you notice he’s losing interest.
- Lift yourself up. When the person you’re seeing suddenly isn’t feeling you anymore, it’s so easy to turn that inward and wonder what’s wrong with you. That’s the wrong way to go about it. Instead, you should be reminding yourself just how much you have to offer not just a partner but the world in general. “The basic principle we understand from Law of Attraction is ‘like attracts like,'” says dating expert Daniella Bloom, LMFT. “Our partners mirror what we feel about ourselves on a regular basis. When you start to show up differently for yourself, either your partner will stop and take favorable notice, or, someone else who is far better suited for you, will instead.
- Give him a bit of space. While the first instinct here might be to go in guns blazing to get his interest back, refrain from doing this. The last thing you want to do is freak out and start crowding him because you’re afraid of losing him. Chances are, doing this will achieve the opposite of what you hope it will. Instead, stay calm and give him a bit of space. It could very well be that you taking a step back makes him think about what he’s missing when you’re not around.
- Remind him why he was into you in the first place. It could be that he’s losing interest because he’s either forgotten about all the wonderful qualities you have because he’s gotten too comfortable or because you’ve stopped showcasing those amazing traits. Now’s the time to remind him. “Create an environment to be alone together to reconnect doing something you used to do when you were a new couple, even if it’s just watching a movie, going to bed early, and sleeping until you’re actually rested,” suggest Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola, relationship experts and authors of How to Keep your Marriage from Sucking.
- Be willing to walk away if it’s just not working. You should never have to ingratiate yourself to someone or beg them to stay with you. If he doesn’t automatically see all the wonderful things about you and appreciate the privilege of being with you, you have to face the fact that it’s just not going to work. But so what if he’s losing interest? There are guys out there who will be nuts about you, so don’t waste any more time with one who’s not.