Is She Really “Just A Friend” Or Something More?

Just as you have guy friends, your boyfriend probably has a few female friends that he’s pretty close with. It’s normal to feel a little jealous around some of them, especially if they look like supermodels or they know your partner even better than you do. But do you actually have to worry about that one girl who is just a bit TOO friendly with your S.O.? Your fears might be valid if any of these things are happening:

  1. He lets her flirt with him. If she’s that type of girl who gets off on hitting on other women’s boyfriends, but your man doesn’t tolerate it, you probably have nothing to worry about on his end. But if she’s sitting on his lap at parties, hanging all over him, and making inappropriate comments to him and he lets it fly, that’s not cool at all. Best case scenario, he doesn’t have enough of a backbone to stand up for his relationship. Worst case scenario, that’s not the most scandalous thing that happens between them on the regular.
  2. She tries to exert dominance over you. Maybe she uses words like “sweetie” or “honey” as a way to talk down to you. She might start bringing up times that she and your boyfriend shared in the past to make you jealous and show just how ~special~ their relationship is. This is her way of trying to make herself the alpha female between you two, and if your guy isn’t shutting it down even after you bring it up to him, it might mean that she really IS the queen bee in his life.
  3. He prioritizes her over you. Is he attending her birthday outing instead of your important work event? Is he going out of his way to get her cough medicine because she has a little cold instead of spending date night with you? If you feel like you’re the No. 2 placeholder in his life, it’s probably because you are. Yes, friends do nice things for each other, but when you notice a pattern of being put on the back burner so he can attend to her instead, that should be a huge red flag.
  4. He gives her girlfriend-y gifts. It’s not such a bad thing if two close friends get each other gifts for birthdays and holidays. The difference lies in what kind of gifts they are. If he’s buying her expensive jewelry or sending her a dozen roses, that’s far too romantic for a platonic friendship.
  5. He’s shady with his phone. If you know he’s texting her, but he’s angling his phone away from you so you can’t see what’s being said, that’s not a good sign at all. Being secretive about who you’re talking to is bad relationship behavior anyway, but when you already suspect that something’s up between him and this girl, his texting behavior could be the proverbial nail in the coffin.
  6. They’re each other’s “go-to” when something isn’t right. Yes, it’s true that sometimes our best friend is a member of the opposite sex, so it makes sense that we’d go to them in a time of need. But once you’re in a committed relationship, your significant other should be your shoulder to cry on at least most of the time. If he’s occasionally going to her for problems that she might be more equipped to handle than you, that’s not necessarily a big deal. If she’s ALWAYS the person he runs to when he’s going through a rough time, that could very well be a big deal.
  7. He doesn’t want to introduce you two. You’ve heard all about her, but every time you ask to meet her, you get an “eventually” or “someday.” If she’s really just his BFF, he’ll probably be dying for you two to meet, just as you probably couldn’t wait to introduce him to your best friends. If there’s something he’s trying to hide with her, though, he’s going to keep you two apart for as long as possible.
  8. When they go out, you aren’t invited. We all need some one-on-one time with our besties, but if they’re going out all the time without inviting you, their one-on-one time might not be so innocent. Every once in a while shouldn’t necessarily set off warning bells, but if he literally never wants you to come along when they attend concerts or go to happy hour, you should be concerned.
  9. They’ve already hooked up in the past. I know people who have successfully demoted their friends with benefits to just friends, but not all of them get through the transition without some lingering feelings hanging around. If you know that your man and his female friend have shared a romantic or sexual past, it doesn’t HAVE to mean that something fishy is still going on, but if they’re exhibiting other signs of sketchy behavior, it makes it a lot more likely.
  10. His friends hint that something is up. A lot of men follow Bro Code. Some of them, however, might be looking out for you and drop a few hints that their buddy’s relationship with his gal pal isn’t completely innocent. If any of his guy friends say things like “I always thought he’d end up with THAT girl” or “Have you had any issues with HER?”, listen closely; they could be trying to save you from a messy situation.
  11. He avoids PDA in front of her. Is he the type of guy who normally can’t keep his hands off you… until he’s around her? Does he use excuses like, “She just got out of a relationship, and I don’t want to make her jealous”? What he’s really trying to do is avoid pissing her off by kissing on another girl while she’s in plain sight. He might also be trying to show her that what he has with you isn’t that serious. Maybe he just feels a bit guilty being all cute with you in front of his side girl. Either way, if he’s noticeably less affectionate with you when she’s around, that’s a very big problem.
  12. Your gut is telling you something’s wrong. Honestly, if something is really going on between them, you probably figured it out before you even clicked on this list. We tend to know deep inside when a friendship is more than just a friendship. It helps to have some evidence to back things up if you want to confront your boyfriend about that girl, but if something seems weird between them, you’re probably right
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.