Dear Men: Here’s Why We Don’t Want Your D*ck Pics

You meet an amazing woman, flirt with her, and exchange numbers. Sweet! The conversation is flowing well, and then you get overly excited and send an unsolicited dick pic. #GameOver. Undoubtedly, this gives her the ick immediately and she’s no longer interested. You don’t get what her problem is and why she’s suddenly ignoring your texts. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see your junk up close and personal even though you’re still basically strangers? Get a grip, dude. Here’s why women don’t want your dick pics, so please, for the love of God, stop sending them.

  1. They’re presumptuous. Sending women dick pics is like saying, “I know you’re DTF.” Even if we were, we aren’t now. Nothing kills the mood faster than a big hairy peen on our cellphone screen. Unless you’re in a clearly sexual place win your relationship with her or have explicit permission or a request to see your dong, keep it in your pants.
  2. They come with strings. You’re not sending us these pictures and expecting nothing in return, let’s be real. You’re hoping we’ll send you a tit pic or a suggestive shot of what’s below our waistlines. Newsflash: We didn’t sign up for a trade. Just because you feel comfortable preemptively exposing yourself to others doesn’t mean we feel the same… and if did, we would be working at the strip club and getting paid for it.
  3. They’re really not pretty. Penises are funny-looking at best, but if you’re trying to make us laugh, there are a million other ways to do it. We know the female body is beautiful and you want to look at it all the time, but unfortunately, we can’t say the same. There aren’t many people who will look at them and think, “Ugh, it’s so gorgeous!”
  4. They’ve probably been recycled. We know this isn’t your first rodeo, so all we can think about are the five other women you’re currently sending your dick pics to, or the dozens of others who have seen it before even though they probably didn’t want them either. Newsflash, they didn’t like it either.
  5. They ruin the mystery. Call us old-fashioned, but we actually like that element of surprise the first time we go to cop a feel. If we already know what you are working with, it makes going for it a little less exciting. Nudes when you’re already in a relationship with someone can be used to build up sexual tension until the next time you’re physically together. However, there’s literally no reason for them before that stage.
  6. They can feel like a form of assault. It would be a crime if you whipped your penis out on some unsuspecting woman in person, so what makes this any better? There may not be an immediate sense of danger,  but there is the whole concept of show now, rape later. If we don’t consent to receive these and you force the issue, that’s assault.
  7. We aren’t as visual. Relationship expert Patti Stanger says that women fall in love between their ears, not their eyes. At the end of the day, we just aren’t as visual as you when it comes to sex. That’s not to say that we can’t get turned on by visual stimuli, but close-up, weirdly angled shots of your hairy bait and tackle aren’t really going to get the job done.
  8. Other people could see them. Even with a password-protected phone, there comes a time when you’re showing someone pictures and they scroll too far. Those people are jerks, but we’re embarrassed nonetheless. And if your recipient has an iPhone, you’re basically showing the entire bar your life-sized schlong.
  9. They tell us what you really want. We know you want sex and you want it now, but when a seemingly innocent conversation gets invaded by Snaps or DMs of your penis, we know what you’re after. Receiving dick pics tells women right away that the only thing you want is to get laid.
  10. They’re all the same. Unless they’re abnormally small or unpleasantly large, they all look the same. That’s not supposed to be a blow to your ego or anything, it’s just true. There’s nothing miraculous about your genitals that will inspire shock and awe, most likely. We really don’t need to see it.
  11. They don’t turn us on. And if you think they do turn us on, then you don’t know what turns women on, and this could be a big problem down the road.
  12. They’re out of context. Of course, you took it from 100 different angles to accentuate it. Unless you have it laid out across a ruler (please, no), we have no idea the proportions you are actually working with on your zoomed-in, edited junk. Just would feel deceived if women did the same, wouldn’t you? (Though we’re aware you probably wouldn’t care.)
  13. Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby. Until it’s actually in front of us and we can do something with it, it doesn’t exist.
Rachael is an award winning stand-up comedienne, freelance writer, and BravoTV superfan. Her Real Housewives tagline is “The only thing bigger than my boobs are my personalities.” In her spare time, she keeps busy catering to the needs of a very spoiled Siberian Husky, (Paris Hilton), cleaning the skeletons out of her closet (to make room for more shoes), and swiping left to everyone on Tinder. Follow her on twitter @therealplandd.