Why You Should Never Beg Anyone To Stay

I know it sounds harsh, but begging is degrading. An apology, telling them how you feel, or offering to change a bad habit should be enough if a person truly wants to stay. If it’s not, accept that the relationship is over. The moment you have to ingratiate yourself to them, it’s already over anyway. Here’s why you should never beg anyone to stay.

  1. They’ll never respect you. Standing up for yourself earns you respect. Begging and pleading kills respect and is basically the death knell for your relationship. Sure, they might stay for a while longer, but they’ll never show you any respect and you’ll have hit a dead end. Is that truly someone you want in your life?
  2. They’ll take you for granted. Once they know you’re that desperate to keep them in your life, they’ll take and take while giving nothing in return. You’ll never be their equal and you’ll soon be miserable and wish they’d just leave. You never deserve to be taken for granted. However, that’s exactly what will happen if you don’t let them go if that’s what they clearly want to happen.
  3. If you have to beg, they’re not worth it. Anyone who gives a damn about you won’t make you beg. In fact, they’ll ask you to stop because they would never want you to ingratiate yourself to them or feel as if you’re not in an equal partnership that they’re just as invested in as you are. When you feel like begging is your only option, just walk away. No one is worth begging for.
  4. If they loved you, they’d stay anyway. If they truly loved you, they’d talk to you and you would both figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. You wouldn’t need to beg. You might have to give them space temporarily, but you’d work through things together. You’d both be committed to doing the necessary work to get things back on the right track.
  5. It makes you feel weak. Caring about someone shouldn’t make you feel weak. It should make you feel stronger, though it probably stresses you out sometimes. Begging strips away your strength and leaves you bare and weak. In the end, you’re still going to get hurt.
  6. You’ll regret it. The person who stays isn’t someone you want to be with. You might think so now, but they’re only staying because they think they can control you. You’ll soon come to regret begging them to stay. In fact, you’ll be the one walking out and you’ll wonder why you wasted so much time and energy trying to convince someone to stay who didn’t even belong in your life.
  7. You’re OK on your own. It’s terrifying to have someone you love leave you, but it’s OK. You might suddenly be single or feel alone after your best friend leaves, but it’s not the end of the world. You’re perfectly fine rolling solo, so embrace it and don’t beg for someone who’s not worth your time. Besides, it’s not like it’s forever.
  8. They’ll expect you to do it every time. Do it once and they’ll expect you to do it every time something goes a little bit wrong. Were you 15 minutes late? They’ll threaten to leave just to watch you beg them not to leave you. Don’t let someone use and degrade you like that. When you plead with someone to stay with you, they get used to having power over you, and no one should ever be in that position.
  9. It eats away at your confidenceBegging has a way of stripping away your confidence and making you question yourself. You’re a strong, beautiful woman. Stay confident and true to yourself. You’ll be fine without them in your life. If you have to lose who you are for them to stay, they’re not worth it.
  10. It’s better to just talk it out. It’s easy to make rash decisions during a fight. That’s why you call him and talk to them the next day. It’s OK to make that first move. Offer to communicate with each other like adults and try to work through your issues. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to accept that it’s over.
  11. Sometimes it’s best to let them leave. It’s the last thing you might want right now, but begging isn’t going to make it better. They might stay now and still leave a week later. Go ahead and let them. If they love and miss you, they’ll let you know and offer to work things out. For now, it’s the best option. Not all breakups are permanent, but pretty much all of them are necessary when they happen.
  12. A little loneliness isn’t worth losing your self-respect over. No one likes feeling lonely, but that loneliness can actually be a good thing. You get time to learn more about yourself and still keep your self-respect. That’s definitely something you don’t get to keep when you start begging. Loneliness is always better than begging.

What to do when you want to stay together and they want to leave

  1. Have an honest conversation with them. We hear it so often that it’s pretty much cliche at this point, but that’s just because it’s true: communication is key. No healthy relationship can exist without it, so if things are going down the wrong path and you believe there’s something there worth saving, have an open and honest conversation with your partner about it. Let them know that you’re not willing to give up on your relationship and express your desire to stay together. Also, be prepared to hear them out in return, even if you don’t like what they have to say.
  2. Offer to work on your issues. If there are things you know you’ve done wrong in your relationship that have pushed your partner away, it’s important to take responsibility for them and to offer to make a real commitment to changing those behaviors and patterns. Of course, if this has been the cause of frequent arguments and you’ve made previous promises to change, only to fall back into old patterns, they may be less likely to believe that things will be any different this time.
  3. Ask why they’re feeling this way. You’re pretty sure they want to break up with you, but what in particular is it that’s making them feel this way? What’s so bad in their eyes that they’re willing to throw away your entire relationship and no longer have you in their life? Ask this question and be open to hearing the real answer. Don’t react, project, or throw things back in their face. Hear them out and truly try to absorb what they’re saying.
  4. Suggest counseling. If you think there are issues that a professional could iron out, going to couples therapy could be a good route to go down, as could seeking therapy on your own. “Couples counseling may be called for, but often, individual counseling is recommended as a good place to start. Why? Because each of you likely needs to clean out your own closets before you can start working on common areas,” explains Deborah L. Davis Ph.D. “If your partner doesn’t want to, but you do, go for it. As the quality of your life improves, the quality of your relationship can improve as well. And even if your partner still leaves, you’ll be better off with counseling than without it.”
  5. Know that you may just have to let them go. Because you should never beg anyone to stay with you, that means being prepared to accept it when they’re ready to go. You may not agree with the decision but you do have to let it happen and not try to force your will on your partner. “Your grief may feel like a bottomless pit, and you may worry you’ll never crawl out of it,” Davis says. “But by expressing your grief — whether diving into emotion and/or jumping into action — getting support from others (including counseling), and focusing on your own self-care, over time your grief enables you to let go of what might have been, and accept what is. And as you adjust to all the changes, your distress will subside and a new you will emerge.”

Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.