No, You’re Not “Too Intense”—He’s Just Not Right For You

In my last relationship, the guy broke things off by saying, “I’m sorry but you’re just too much for me.” Yikes! It was enough to make me hate myself… until I realized that I wasn’t the problem. From someone who’s been there, here are 10 things you should bear in mind if you’re worried that you’re too intense for the person you’re dating (or they’ve told you so already).

  1. For starters, he could be using it as an excuse. A-holes are running out of excuses for why they don’t want a serious long-term relationship. You can only use “I’m busy” so many times, right? Maybe the person who’s claiming you’re too much for them is trying to find any excuse instead of manning up and saying he’s not into you.
  2. It’s a coward’s way out. Using this as an excuse to end a relationship is really cowardly. It’s basically saying, “I need to get out of this relationship so I’m just going to make it seem like you’re the problem.” What a joke!
  3. The truth is, you don’t have a problem. While you might worry that you’re too emotional/passionate/whatever, the truth is that you don’t have to change anything about yourself. Seriously. Being told you’re too intense is not actually about you. It’s about the person not being enough to be with you! They’re so small that they can’t handle it.
  4. The right person will see you as enough. It’s just one person’s opinion and you shouldn’t take it to heart. Honestly, the right person will see everything you are as being perfect for them instead of running in the other direction. So, when you text them to check that they got home safe, they won’t think you’re clingy but that you care. When you tell them about your relationship expectations, they won’t run away. Instead, they’ll see that you’re not nuts for asking for things like respect and commitment.
  5. They’ll have the same heat to give to you. The right person won’t leave you in the cold because you’re too much. Instead, they’ll be on the same page as you. This means that they’ll give you the same attention and love that you give them. It’s a win-win situation, which is how relationships should be.
  6. You’ve been wasting your intensity on the wrong people. By dating people who thought you were too much or too intense, you’ve actually been wasting all your great qualities on them! Rather be with someone who notices and appreciates what you have to offer. Those people are out there, so don’t give up or think that you’ll never find them.
  7. Avoid people who dilute you. The people who call you too intense are actually trying to dilute your traits. This is like pouring water over you so you’re only 50% yourself instead of 100%, and it sucks. Would you rather be yourself or allow others to wash away your worth? Exactly.
  8. It’s better to be nuts than boring. So your ex called you “nuts” because you were just “too much.” Screw that guy. It’s better to be passionate than to be boring. Some might call that nuts, but they clearly don’t get what you’re about. Pity them and move on.
  9. Take it as a compliment. You know when you eat cake that’s so damn delicious you actually can’t handle it? You know when a roller-coaster ride is so amazing that you’re actually afraid of it? The brave people will jump right into those situations and see what happens, and enjoy the experiences, instead of limiting themselves. The people who’ve said you were too much for them are like the people who limit themselves. They would rather play it safe. It’s really their loss!
  10. They actually did you a favor. I know it sounds trite, but it’s true: those people who walked away from you actually cleared up space in your life so that people who see your amazing qualities can step up and enjoy you for everything great that you bring into their lives. So, thank those losers and then don’t spare another thought for them because they chose to miss out. Aren’t you glad you didn’t waste your time on them? You would’ve cut yourself down to size, and for what? Stand tall and proud.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.