If you find yourself consistently baffled, hurt, or frustrated by someone’s reactions, their upbringing might hold some answers. Children raised by emotionally immature parents often struggle to develop healthy coping mechanisms. This doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can offer insight. Here are 15 common signs that someone might be wrestling with the legacy of an emotionally unavailable childhood.
1. They put their needs first every time.
People who were raised by emotionally immature parents were used to seeing their caregivers focus on their own needs. So, as adults, they might fall into the trap of expecting other people to meet all their requirements and expectations while avoiding what their partners or other loved ones need from them. This can lead to a sense of entitlement that pushes people away. While Psychology Today confirms that self-prioritization isn’t inherently selfish, when taken to the extreme, it can become that way.
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2. They want to be in the spotlight all the time.
Emotionally immature parents can be masters of disguise, presenting a charming facade to the outside world while hiding deeper insecurities. The children raised in this environment often learn to mimic these behaviors, desperately seeking approval and validation to fill the void left by their parent’s emotional unavailability.
3. They become bullies to get their way.
If their parents were self-obsessed and bulldozed over everyone to get their way, they might be doing this in their own lives. They might insult people to make them feel bad or make belittling jokes to put people down and uplift themselves. They have low self-esteem because their parents weren’t there to provide emotional guidance.
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4. They have an insecure attachment style.
Parents who lack emotional expression and self-reflection don’t always acknowledge their children’s emotions, which can lead to neglect. When the children grow up and start having relationships of their own, they might have an insecure attachment style, which is marked by a lack of trust and clingy behavior, per Verywell Mind. They’re trying to get the emotional support they never got from their parents.
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5. They don’t handle stress well.
It’s common for children of these parents to struggle when dealing with lots of stress. They might’ve seen their parents losing their cool easily when things didn’t go their way, which causes them to throw a toddler-like tantrum when faced with anxiety. Generally speaking, they lack healthy coping skills.
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6. They don’t apologize for their mistakes.
Emotionally immature parents don’t take responsibility for things they’ve done; they expect others to take the blame. As adults, children raised by these parents might do the same thing, perhaps even playing the victim card when things don’t work out. They expect other people to bail them out of sticky situations or make things right because they haven’t gained the self-confidence to deal with their own issues.
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7. They brush off people’s feelings.
Since immature people aren’t great with emotional regulation, they might struggle to acknowledge what other people are feeling. This affects their ability to show empathy, causing relationship problems. It’s essential for them to learn empathetic skills so they better connect with people on a deeper level.
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8. They get angry when people say “no.”
Dealing with someone who seems allergic to boundaries can be incredibly frustrating. If they grew up with parents who disregarded their needs, they may not have learned to respect the limits of others. This can make for a relationship that feels suffocating and one-sided. If this sounds familiar, understanding where their behavior comes from is the first step toward protecting your own peace.
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9. They expect more than people can give them.
Children of emotionally immature parents often learn a warped view of relationships. They may grow up believing they deserve to have their needs met unconditionally, without realizing people have their own lives and limits. This can lead to selfish, entitled behavior that leaves friends and partners feeling drained and unappreciated. If you recognize this pattern, understanding their childhood might provide some insight – but not an excuse.
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10. They feel unworthy of happiness.
Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents leaves lasting scars. Children deprived of emotional validation can internalize this lack of support, leading to deep-rooted insecurities and a distorted sense of self-worth. As adults, they may struggle to believe they deserve love and happiness, constantly bracing for disappointment or rejection.
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11. They struggle to express their feelings.
It can be difficult for children who were raised by emotionally immature parents to clearly and succinctly express what they feel. Without parents to validate and name their feelings, they may grow up feeling confused and disconnected from their inner world. This can create a ripple effect of challenges in relationships and self-understanding.
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12. They have perfectionist tendencies.
People who had emotionally immature parents might become perfectionists because of the high standards and expectations that were put on them when they were kids. This can lead to anxiety and stress because they can never reach their lofty goals. Perfectionism can manifest in various forms, per the American Psychological Association, all of which can be extremely damaging.
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13. They can’t handle criticism.
It’s difficult to be okay with receiving criticism or feedback if one’s parents were always negative. For example, maybe their parents held them to impossibly high standards and this pressure has caused them to struggle with receiving feedback. They don’t want anyone to point out their flaws or failures.
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14. They shut down when people blow up.
If they often saw their parents getting riled up or having emotional outbursts, they might feel like they can’t deal with other people’s volatile moods. This could cause them to fall silent or ice people out during confrontation because they feel anxious and stressed.
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15. They do all the relationship work.
People who grew up with emotionally immature parents might try to keep their relationships going at any cost, even if this means over-compromising and burning out. The thing is, they learned from a young age to cater to their parents’ needs, which has caused them to become people pleasers. This can be extremely toxic if not recognized and worked through with a professional.
