When I started dating again after my last breakup, I was purposefully looking for my next big relationship. Unfortunately, this meant I often jumped into things too quickly with guys just because I wanted to be with someone—and needless to say, that always ended in disaster.
I hadn’t healed from my previous relationship. I wasn’t even over my ex at this point. We didn’t have a horrendous breakup due to one of us cheating or finding love elsewhere, we just drifted apart and the spark died. But it was still hard and I was struggling to adjust to the fact that my best friend, who I’d spent almost four years of my life with, was now a stranger. It hurt.
I was feeling insecure. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why my ex didn’t want me anymore. Sure, it was kind of a mutual breakup, but I expected him to fight for me and he didn’t. This made me ask myself countless times what was wrong with me? Why didn’t he want me enough in the end? I took everything personally and I didn’t realize my worth, which led to me making some less than great decisions.
I was constantly on the lookout for anything that would make me feel better about myself. I ended up getting into almost-relationships with guys because I couldn’t stand to be in a relationship with myself. I didn’t love myself and looking back, it makes me feel sad. I preferred to distract myself rather than deal with the issues at hand. The best way to distract myself? Other guys.
I thought I’d never love again. I not only thought that I’d never be with someone again, but I also thought that nobody else would ever want me. I was like a woman on a mission trying to see how much attention I could get from strangers. I also pushed the boundaries with guys who’d been in the background while my ex was still around.
I attracted the wrong types of guys. There was the guy who used me for sex, the guy who told me he only wanted me and then dated around behind my back, and the guy who claimed to want a future with me and then ghosted me out of nowhere. Now, I’m not trying to pass blame, but I think it was pretty obvious to them that they were dating a broken girl. Instead of attracting caring, patient, and understanding guys, I attracted guys who were fully prepared to take advantage of my situation.
All my old relationship issues kept coming back. In each almost relationship that I was in, my old issues from my previous relationship kept rearing their ugly heads. I could have a good spell with the guy of the moment, but that would only last so long. Then it was back to arguments and confrontations over my insecurities—especially when I found out that my ex moved on with his housemate less than a month after we broke up.
Things never worked out with any of the guys I dated. Even though I genuinely wanted them to at the time, none of my almost relationships worked out—and I’m kind of glad in hindsight. None of those guys were right for me and I shouldn’t have jumped into things with any of them when I was clearly still hurting badly.
I previously vowed that I would never settle. We accept the love that we think that we deserve, and I was settling for less than I deserve in all of my almost relationships. Looking back, it was because my self-esteem was at an all time low and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t realize that I needed to look inward instead of outward.
I should have given myself time to work on myself. Instead of wasting my precious time and energy on these almost relationships, I should have utilized it all on myself. I did eventually see sense and took some time out from relationships to find the girl who I lost, but some damage had already been done. However, hindsight is a wondrous thing and sometimes you have to do these silly things to avoid making the same mistakes later in life. After all, love is a learning curve.
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