Not every toxic person throws tantrums or starts dramatic fights — some are a bit more subtle. They might be disguised as friends, partners, or even family members, making them even harder to spot. However, recognizing the less obvious signs of toxicity can save you from draining friendships, unhealthy relationships, and a whole lot of emotional damage. Here’s what to watch out for.
1. They always play the victim.
Nothing is ever their fault – the world is out to get them, and everyone around them is to blame. They rarely take responsibility for their actions, instead deflecting blame or finding excuses. This constant victim mentality becomes draining, as you might start feeling like you always need to take care of them or walk on eggshells to avoid triggering their complaints.
2. They subtly put you down.
These aren’t outright insults, but backhanded compliments or jokes that leave you feeling a little uneasy. They might disguise their digs as concern or humor, making it harder to call them out. Watch out for comments that attack your confidence, minimize your achievements, or make you second-guess your abilities.
3. They’re masters of gaslighting.
They’ll twist things to make you doubt what you know or have experienced and to make you feel like you’re the crazy one. Gaslighting tactics might include denying things they said or did, accusing you of being overly sensitive, or questioning your memory of events. This manipulation can create a deep sense of confusion and make you distrust your own instincts.
4. They’re all about control.
They try to dictate your choices – what you wear, who you see, or how you spend your time. These controlling behaviors might start subtly, but they often escalate before you know it. They might disapprove of your friends, try to isolate you from the people you love, or become possessive of your time and attention.
5. They’re emotionally draining.
Being around them leaves you feeling exhausted or anxious, even if you can’t pinpoint why. Their negativity, constant need for attention, or unpredictable mood swings can sap your energy. You might feel like you constantly need to manage their emotions or tiptoe around them, leaving you with little emotional space for yourself.
6. They lack empathy.
They don’t seem to understand (or care about) how their actions or words affect other people. They might dismiss your feelings, minimize your struggles, or fail to offer support when you’re going through a tough time. This lack of empathy can make the relationship feel cold and one-sided.
7. Their apologies feel empty.
They may say “sorry,” but their actions don’t change, or the apology feels insincere. A genuine apology involves acknowledging wrongdoing, taking responsibility, and showing a willingness to change. Without these elements, an apology becomes just words and doesn’t lead to a resolution or healthier dynamic.
8. They cross your boundaries… repeatedly.
Even after you’ve expressed your limits, they ignore them or try to push them further. Healthy relationships involve respecting each other’s boundaries. When someone consistently disregards yours, it signals a lack of respect and can make you feel unheard or even unsafe within the relationship.
9. They make you question yourself.
You start second-guessing your decisions or intuition when they’re around. Their constant criticism, manipulation, or gaslighting tactics erode your sense of self-trust. You might start doubting your own judgment and feel hesitant to make choices independently.
10. They’re jealous or competitive.
Your success makes them feel threatened, and they may try to downplay your accomplishments as a result. A good friend or partner celebrates everything you achieve, while a toxic one feels diminished by them. This jealousy can manifest as passive-aggressive comments, attempts to sabotage your success, or a lack of genuine enthusiasm for your achievements.
11. They don’t truly celebrate with you.
When good things happen, their enthusiasm seems forced or absent. They might be unable to hide their disappointment or quickly change the subject to focus back on themselves. A true friend shares in your joy and makes you feel supported during positive moments in your life.
12. The relationship feels one-sided.
It’s all about them – their problems, their needs, their drama. They use you as a sounding board but rarely reciprocate. You might feel like an emotional dumping ground, while your own life and struggles rarely get the same attention or support.
13. They gossip and spread rumors.
If they talk badly about others behind their backs, they’ll likely do the same to you. Gossiping and spreading rumors is a sign of disloyalty and a lack of respect. Engaging in this behavior erodes trust within relationships and creates a toxic environment where everyone feels like they need to watch their back.
14. They don’t really listen.
They’re waiting for their turn to talk, not truly engaged with what you’re saying. Conversations with them feel like monologues, where they dominate the discussion and show pretty much zero interest in your thoughts or feelings. The fact that they never seem to listen makes you feel unheard and unimportant.
15. They give “help” that’s actually harmful.
Watch out when someone’s “advice” always leaves you feeling worse than before. It’s a classic power play – disguised as helping, but really built to prop up their ego or keep you feeling less-than. This bad advice might be harsh criticism, impractical solutions, or them trying to steer your choices to benefit them, not you. The goal isn’t actually to help, it’s about control.
16. They disappear when you need them.
They’re fair-weather friends – great when things are good, but nowhere to be found when you’re struggling. True friendship involves being there through thick and thin. Someone who vanishes when you need support demonstrates a lack of commitment and a conditional approach to the relationship.
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