The “Talking” Stage Of A Relationship Is Total BS—Here’s Why

What the hell is the “talking” stage of a new relationship? I seriously don’t understand the reason you need to chit chat with someone for months on end without ever initiating a move or showing real effort with someone you claim to like. Maybe it’s just me, but I miss the days when you got asked out on a date and knew where you stood with someone pretty much right away. Here’s why “talking” sucks so much.

THERE’S ZERO COMMITMENT. When you start talking to someone, you’re basically saying you’re interested in them but not enough to actually make them a priority. Chances are you’re texting them when you get bored but there’s no pressure to actually make them feel wanted. This is the easiest way to get hurt, ever. Let’s be real—you shouldn’t get yourself hung up on some dude who will text you “Good morning, beautiful” but won’t take you out to dinner.

YOU CAN TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE. So not only do you have zero pressure to choose the person you’re talking to but there’s a real possibility that person is also entertaining other girls in the “talking” stage too. I mean, why not start off your relationship issues early knowing that this guy is probably mass texting the same thing to other girls who think they’re the only ones? Not cool.

YOU DON’T GET REAL CLOSURE IF IT ENDS. If you two stop talking all of a sudden, you’ll never actually be able to come to terms with what you two had, if anything. When you bring him up in conversation, you have to awkwardly be like, “No, we weren’t dating, but we kind of talked or something…” and your friends are going to be confused. Plus, if you developed real feelings for this person, how do you just move on saying you were never really a thing? It really doesn’t need to be this complicated.

YOU NEVER DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP. I’m not saying the poor guy has to ask you to be his girlfriend as soon as he meets you—that would be pretty creepy—but he should totally be defining the relationship in a way that says, “You caught my eye and I really want to get to know you. You have my attention.” He can define that relationship by simply taking you out on dates instead of keeping you on hold in his messages. I promise, it’s really not that threatening to put a label on things when you’re just getting to know each other. You’ll have better communication in the long run.

IT REQUIRES NO EFFORT. Is there anything that takes less effort than sending a text? Honestly, half our generation finds even that totally exhausting and won’t even take the time to message you back on the same day. I’m so tired of girls being all head-over-heels because a guy texted her back within the hour. It’s like, come on. If you’re really interested in someone, they’re worth the effort, period. If you aren’t worth the effort to take out, call (gasp) on the actual phone or make plans with, he just isn’t that serious about you.

IT CAN BE TOTALLY SECRET. This one totally ties in with the whole fact that you can be talking to lots of people at the same time and no one will ever know. I don’t buy that a guy is really that into me if no one actually knows we’re hanging out and trying to get to know each other. A guy doesn’t have to show you off to all his friends right away but you should never be okay with being hidden or secret. In general, keeping things on the DL just makes for trust issues and broken hearts later when you find out that he literally ghosted you and no one even knew you were a thing.

WHY NOT JUST BE FRIENDS? If guys are so freaked out about defining the relationship or taking a step towards being with someone, why not just stay friends? He can totally get to know you without these weird stages in between. If he isn’t ready to take things to the next level, he shouldn’t try to halfway reserve you for himself by “talking” because he’s afraid you’ll find someone while he’s figuring out if he actually wants you.

SINCE WHEN IS GOING ON A REAL DATE “RUSHING THINGS”? This is seriously the worst excuse ever. If a guy thinks taking you on a real date is “rushing” the relationship, you need to call him out on it. You’re not taking things too fast because you want him to put in a little effort to get to know you in person. Asking you out on a date isn’t a marriage proposal but a lot of dudes don’t seem to get that. WTF?

IT DRAGS THINGS OUT FOREVER. It’s not rocket science to figure out if you really want to be with someone or not. Why is it so necessary to put up all of these awkward half-stages in relationships that draw everything out because “you never know”? Again, it’s BS. If you are really paying attention and being in the moment while you’re dating someone, you’ll know that person is a good one and your relationship can progress naturally.

IT LEAVES YOU HANGING. Seriously, that talk with your girlfriends when the new guy gets brought up is so awkward. If you can’t say, “Yeah, he took me out last Friday,” you’re saying, “Yeah, we’ve been talking for a few months, I don’t really know what to call it…” Even if you really like the guy, if you’re in the talking stage for what feels like forever, you’re probably a little unsure of where things are going next. Maybe he likes you but he hasn’t made a move, so…??

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