Things That Start To Happen The Longer You’re Single

Things That Start To Happen The Longer You’re Single

Who cares how long you’ve been single? It doesn’t change the fact that you’re a catch — guys just don’t seem to see that, or at least no guys that are up to scratch. You’re not one for settling, so you’ll wait it out… for as long as it takes. Unfortunately, it could be a while, and there are a few things that start to happen the longer you’re single:

  1. You judge newly single ladies. Your friend is falling apart after being single for a month? Please. You’ve been single for a lot longer than that and you’ve survived.
  2. You make up BS reasons why you should stay single. Like that you prefer having the bed to yourself. That your vibrator is better than the real thing. That you’re already in a relationship with pizza.
  3. You treat dating apps like a joke. You’ll message men, but you won’t actually make any plans to meet up with them. Basically, the reason why you’re on those sites is to stare at hot guys and then make fun of their biographies.
  4. You question a man’s niceness. Is he trying to trick you into sleeping with him? Is he going to steal your purse? Or is he just plain crazy?
  5. You feel comfortable going out alone. You can go to a dinner and movie by yourself without worrying about the weird looks you’re getting. Everyone just wishes they were as confident as you.
  6. You forget to shave. If it’s cold enough to wear jeans, then you might “forget” for an entire month. A little hair isn’t going to hurt you.
  7. Questions about your love life don’t bother you. Why are you single? Do you want me to set you up? Don’t you think your standards are a little high? You’ve heard it all before.
  8. You dress for yourself. Your outfits haven’t helped you find a date anyway, so you might as well wear what you’re comfortable with. Sweatpants and a hoodie it is.
  9. You feel like you’re out of the loop. You don’t have a clue what modern couples do. If you found someone to date, you wouldn’t even know where to take him or what to talk about.
  10. You experiment while you masturbate. The longer you’re single, the more toys you’ll collect. You have to shake things up somehow.
  11. You embrace your selfishness. You don’t have to save up money for your boyfriend’s birthday gift, so you can use that cash on new clothes for yourself. You could even take an impromptu trip overseas and you wouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
  12. You give out relationship advice on the daily. For some reason, all of your friends rant to you about their relationships. You feel like you have no right to give them advice, but you do it anyway.
  13. You stop taking your birth control. Why should you waste your money on it if you don’t need it? Those pills are expensive.
  14. You forget how to flirt. You’re supposed to bat your eyes and play with your hair, right? The only advice you can think of comes from the romantic comedies you’ve made fun of.
  15. You’re sick and tired of the hype. The more couples you see in movies and books, the more annoyed you are. Why can’t people be happy being single? You are.
Holly is a science fiction and horror writer, who has recently been published by Flash Fiction Press, Infective Ink, and Popcorn Press. You can find more of her nonfiction articles on All Women Stalk, The Talko, and News Cult.