Maybe it’s all the romance books we read or the rom-coms that sell irrational, all-consuming passion as something to aspire to. Or, perhaps it’s just what we grew up accustomed to seeing around us and how we think love is supposed to look. Whatever the inspiration, it’s alarming how many toxic behaviors have come to be normalized in relationships. When you’ve got love’s rose-colored lenses on, red flags just look like flags, and we never really stop to think about the things we do or accept in the name of romance. Here are some habits that may seem cute and normal that are actually harmful to the health of your relationship.
1. Constant monitoring and communication
Yes, communication is the bedrock of any relationship that wants to go the distance. It’s normal to want to hear your partner’s voice and check in on their day. But like with most things, balance is key. It becomes obsessive and unhealthy when one or both of you need to be in constant communication throughout the day. You shouldn’t have to inform your partner of everything you do as you do it, or share every thought that enters your head. Nor should you expect them to keep you company at all hours of the day.
2. Double standards
I had a friend who always had to have her phone on speaker whenever she was talking to anyone around her man because he “liked” knowing who she was talking to. He, however, didn’t feel like he owed her this same indulgence. And if she asked that he put his phone on speaker, he’d refuse and berate her for not trusting him. As the saying goes, what is good for the geese is good for the gander. In a healthy relationship, all parties have equal rights and freedoms. There can’t be some things that are okay for one person to do, but not okay for the other.
3. Only keeping mutual friends
It’s nice to have couple friends and friends that have a relationship with both of you, but you shouldn’t just stop there. You also need friends who belong to just you; friends who are loyal to you alone and will have your back, no matter what happens. If you’re having issues in your relationship, mutual friends may be reluctant to weigh in or give their true opinions because they would rather not pick sides. They may even complicate things further if they get involved. Worst of all, if the relationship ends, you may pick your ex’s side, and you’ll be left without a friend to help you navigate this new reality.
4. Accepting the uncomfortable
Shutterstock
I often hear people say things like, “If my partner wants to be intimate, and I’m not in the mood, I won’t deny them.” Or, “Even if I don’t feel comfortable doing something or acting a certain way, I’ll force myself to do it as long as it makes them happy.” Everything, I come across statements like these, I want to say, “Whoa that’s toxic as hell.” There’s a difference between compromising and sacrificing your boundaries and happiness to appease someone else. You don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with for the sake of keeping your relationship alive.
5. Jealousy and possessiveness disguised as affection
If your partner is throwing a fit when you have or hug friends of the opposite sex or demanding to read your messages, it’s easy to mistake that as just a normal case of possessiveness. You might even think it means that their love for you is so great that they hate the idea of having to share you. However, what it really is, is a toxin that can poison your relationship and make it inhospitable for one or both of you?
6. Character policing
People tend to believe that they can build their partner into the perfect companion for them and that if the partner really loves and wants to be with them, they will happily change for them. This is a dangerous notion that can easily lead to controlling behaviors and abuse, or even disappointment when they realize their partners aren’t as malleable as they expected. Healthy relationship dynamics involve an understanding that your partner is a person with flaws and choosing to love them despite their imperfections, rather than hoping to change them.
7. Expecting your partner to be psychic
Many of us have dreamed of finding someone who loves us so much and knows us so well that they can tell what we’re thinking or how we’re feeling without us ever having to speak. While that’s a nice fantasy, it’s a terrible burden to place on a person. Remember that your partner is only human; they don’t have a magical ability to read minds. If they’ve offended you, tell them. If there’s something you’d like them to do for you to make you feel loved, ask. Communicate your expectations and let them meet you halfway.
8. Feelings of entitlement
Getting things like regular intimacy, expensive gifts, quality time, emotional support, and even financial assistance is the cherry on top of a healthy relationship. It’s a gift that your partner willingly gives you out of the goodness of their hearts. You’re not entitled to get them however or whenever you want them. You do not owe your partner sex. Your partner is not obligated to drop everything and devote their time and attention to comforting you anytime you’re having a rough day. You’re not guaranteed their forgiveness just because they love you. Believing otherwise is a toxic habit that you need to break.
9. Inconsistent actions
Call it drama or whatever you want, but it shouldn’t be normal for you or your partner to just act however you want from day to day and expect the other person to keep up. You need to be able to depend on each other to do the things you say you will do and live up to the standards and expectations you’ve set for the relationship. You can’t decide to show up emotionally or do your share of the shores this week, take a month off, show up again for a day, and return to your old ways the next day.
10. Wanting to know everything
Hear me when I say that needing to be involved in every aspect of your partner’s life or wanting to know every thought, fear, worry, or experience that they have is a sign of codependency. Never forget that it’s a privilege to get to bear witness to your partner’s life. You’re not entitled to know everything about them. It’s perfectly okay for them to not want to share something with you until they’re ready. It’s normal for them to want to keep some of their feelings or histories to themselves, or talk about certain things with other people and not you. They’re not doing something wrong. It doesn’t mean they love you any less.
11. Minimizing situations and feelings
I have this friend who always had to ask and remind her husband to do things like pick up his socks, clean up after himself, and take out the trash. Whenever she complained about him not failing to do these things, he’d accuse her of overreacting or nagging and claim it wasn’t a big deal. By refusing to take accountability and striving to do better instead of downplaying the issue, he was implying that didn’t respect her wishes or care enough to acknowledge her feelings about his actions. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone but him when she filed for divorce. In a healthy relationship, there’s a space for each person to have their feelings and even express them without being made to feel like they’re too sensitive or doing too much.
12. Putting up social roadblocks
Often, I hear people say their partners aren’t allowed to like or leave comments on other women’s or men’s photos. They can’t have any kind of contact with their exes, keep more than a certain number of friends of the opposite sex, visit friends of a certain gender alone, or help out anyone they’ve ever had a sexual relationship with. They try to hide all of these restrictive rules under the guise of boundaries when it’s really about their insecurities, fear of being left, and lack of trust in their partner.
13. Losing your individuality
You and your partner are meant to come together and share in each other’s lives, not merge into a two-headed hydra. You’re not meant to give up who you are and start living and breathing for your partner. Not only that, but you shouldn’t put your life on hold for them or forget to have some hobbies, interests, and friendships of your own. Doing so can cause the relationship to become suffocating for your partner, and you may even come to resent them for the sacrifices you made, whether they asked for it or not.
14. Making your emotions your partner’s responsibility
Yes, your partner is meant to spark happiness and help you wade through tough feelings when you’re having difficulty doing it alone. However, it’s easy to get wrapped up in how nice this feels and forget that it’s up to you to manage your emotional well-being. Your partner is not responsible for making you happy or resolving your emotional issues. That’s for you to do on your own. Any happiness or emotional support they bring you should be an addition, not the only source. Learn how to be emotionally independent and solve your own problems without constantly dragging your partner into it.
15. Not respecting personal space
So many couples abandon the concept of privacy and alone time. There stops being an “I” in the relationship, and everything becomes “we” or “our.” This is a form of codependency and a toxic habit. In a healthy relationship, you can both take time to enjoy your own company without fearing that it would cause problems in the relationship. You don’t need to do everything hand-in-hand or spend all of your spare time together. There should be freedom to claim your personal spaces and exist alone so you don’t burn out emotionally or lose sight of your individual selves.
Enjoyed this piece? Give us a like and follow Bolde on MSN for more.
