I used to be bitter about the seemingly endless stream of bad dates and even worse relationships I experienced despite doing what I felt were all the right things. Then I had a light-bulb moment: As crazy and ridiculous as my exes were, I was the one who chose to date them!
I used to tell the story of my crazy exes.
I had this “funny” joke about how, if you put all my exes in the same room, they were so crazy and weird that you could charge an admissions fee to see them. In hindsight, I realize how unfunny and actually kind of pathetic that really was.
It was actually sad.
Underlying this joke was the fact that I felt so damn unlucky in love! I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t meet the right guy who was a great guy and wonderful boyfriend material in one smooth package. It was honestly baffling to me.
I was jealous of the lucky ones.
I would see happy couples holding hands and laughing together and I’d be so jealous. I’d think, “Why can’t that happen to me?” without realizing that I could make it happen if I just changed a few things around in my life.
I was creating my own bad luck.
It’s really easy to see happy couples and assume that they’re just lucky, but that’s such a myth. There’s no good or bad luck in love. Instead of blaming the universe for why my love life was always in tatters, I should have taken more responsibility for my situation. Heck, even when it comes to winning the lottery, you still have to buy a ticket in order to make it happen. Nothing is 100% down to luck.
I thought love would do whatever it wanted.
I had this idea of love as a magical being who decided to come visit me or not. It had nothing to do with me. Love was cruel in that way and it depended on how it was feeling that day, month, year, or even decade. What a load of crap! I can’t believe how misguided I was.
I was blocking love.
The funny thing about this is that I thought I was searching for love and I thought I wanted it to enter my life, but I was actively blocking it time and time again! It took me so long to come to this conclusion but once I did, I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.
I was attracting all the bad guys.
Confession: I used to love the bad guys. I was bored by the decent guys and gravitated towards the moody, creative jerks. My behavior was a clear sign to them that they should enter my life… even though weeks or months later, I’d curse them for ever having done so (and the universe for allowing it). Um, hello? What about what I was doing?!
I received what I sent out.
I mean, how could they not gravitate towards me? I was way too nice and I showed them right off the bat after meeting them that I would bend over backward and jump through hoops for a few minutes of their attention. I was basically walking around with a neon sign on my forehead that said, “I want bad luck in love! Call me.”
It gave good guys the message to scram.
While the toxic guys were entering my life and breaking my heart, I thought, “Where are all the good guys? Aargh!” What I failed to notice was that the good guys were there—they were just receiving the message I was sending out that I didn’t want to date them. I wanted the bad boys instead. Over the years, there were a few really good guys I totally ignored because I was on the bad luck path I had created for myself. I made my path and I had to walk on it.
I was the master of my own love failure.
By putting all my energy into bad relationships, I was creating the same old negative story for myself. I was creating my own bad luck over and over again. I was really stuck in it and I almost enjoyed having another horrible toxic-guy story to share with my girlfriends over tequilas.
Of course, there are things we can’t control.
Obviously there are times when things happen and we just have no control over them, like when we try our hardest to be a great partner but an amazing person still breaks our heart. Stuff happens, but it doesn’t mean that we have to accept it! That’s the difference. It doesn’t define us. It doesn’t pin us as unlucky. We can move on after a guy reveals his nasty colors instead of going on to date another five guys who are just like him. (Guilty as charged.)
I changed my luck.
I realized I had to work on myself and be the person I wanted to date so that I would change the message I was sending out to potential boyfriends. I stopped being the doormat and I stopped finding those ridiculous bad guys attractive. My sign changed from “I want bad luck in love. Call me!” to “High standards only” to weed out all the guys who weren’t good for me and ultimately to take charge of my luck and turn it around.
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