How I Became The Girl Guys Want To Date, Not Just The Girl They Hang Out With

Chivalry is dead, well at least it seems like it. Why’s it so hard to find an eligible bachelor? Probably because dating is basically extinct — all guys seem to want to do is “hang out.” They can ask you to come over and watch a movie, but they can’t ask you out to dinner. Lame! It’s time for guys to either commit or quit — no more in between BS. Here’s how I stopped being the girl guys just wanted to hang out with and became the girl they wanted to date:

I stopped focusing on finding a boyfriend.

It’s easy to not have high standards, especially if all you care about is finding a guy. I wanted a boyfriend so badly that I accepted anything that resembled a relationship. For example, I was calling the guy I hung out with once a week (to make-out with) my boyfriend — uh, crazy. It turns out, there’s a difference between being in a relationship with a guy and hanging out with him… A BIG DIFFERENCE. I started to make a concerted effort to fill my life with friends, family and hobbies and interests that enriched who I was and let guys fall into the background. Turns out, that made me way more attractive to the opposite sex. Who knew?

I make sure guys know what I’m looking for from the beginning.

 I used to be quick to blame guys for screwing me over and breaking my heart, but it wasn’t always their fault — especially since I didn’t communicate what I was looking for clearly from the beginning. Once, I told a guy I liked that I wanted an actual relationship and he gave me one. It turns out, he was only asking me to casually hang out because he thought that’s what I wanted. Sometimes you just have to tell people what you want, no matter how scary that may be. I’m upfront and honest from the beginning now.

I avoid one-night stands and quick hookups at all costs.

Honestly, I avoid going to a guy’s place altogether unless we’re in an actual relationship. A guy who’s willing to wait is a catch — and a rare one, at that. When sex wasn’t an option anymore, I was able to find out who was serious about the relationship and who wasn’t. Whenever I take sex off the table with a new guy, I love to see how he’ll react. If he freaks out/tries to guilt me into changing my mind, that tells me all I need to know. If he’s willing to work for it, I know he’s potentially a keeper.

I make them work for it. 

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes you’ve got to play the game. If a guy is keeping our relationship casual with “fake dates,” he’s already playing and I won’t let him win. I know what I want, and it’s someone who’s willing to put in the effort to be with me. I won’t all of a sudden become the girl he doesn’t have co chase. If he’s not asking me out, it’s because he doesn’t feel like he has to. He needs to know that I’m worth the investment and be willing to go all-in.

I refuse to meet up with guys after 10 p.m.

Remember, nothing good happens after midnight. If a guy’s asking to hang out after 10 pm, I already know he’s got more in mind than friendly conversation. I’m not a booty call and I won’t let a guy get away with thinking that I am. If he wants to see me at night, he needs to be willing to put in time during the daylight hours. If he’s not, he can go elsewhere.

I started calling guys out on their BS.

If a guy is doing or saying something I don’t like, I tell him. Otherwise, he might not know he’s being offensive/inappropriate and will think it’s okay to keep doing more of the same. Some guys really think that sitting on the couch watching Netflix is the same as going out to see a movie. I was seeing a guy whose idea of a date was taking me to meet his friends at a sports bar — I was basically one of the guys, except that I had a vagina. I finally had to tell him that I wanted a real date and that he couldn’t half-hearted a relationship with me! He called me annoying and now we don’t talk anymore, but that’s beside the point — I’m happy that I called him out. Maybe in the future, he’ll think twice before he takes another girl to a sports bar with his bros. Progress.

I only agree to plans that have been made ahead of time.

I know I sound like a broken record, but a guy really does have to put in some effort to be with me. I’m willing to meet him halfway and do the work too, but I’m not going to put up with laziness. He can’t ignore me all day and then ask me to come over out of nowhere at 9 o’clock at night. If he wants to see me, he can make actual plans with me. I won’t come whenever he calls — I have a life too.

I keep my confidence high.

I know what I deserve. If I had no confidence, I’d accept anything a guy offered me, no matter how crappy it is. It took me a while to grow my self-esteem (to be honest, I’m still working on it). I had to realize my worth, and once I did, I stopped seeking attention from douchey guys with bad haircuts. Plus, it has the unintended side effect of making guys way more attracted to me. It’s a win-win situation.

I don’t lead with my sexuality.

This is a big one! I used to be the queen of sexting, but then I realized that if you start your relationship with sex, that’s probably all it will ever be. If I agree to hang out with a guy in lieu of a proper first date (and it ends with sex), then I can’t act surprised if casual is all he does from there on out. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He got what he wanted. I want him to notice my more important qualities.

I remember that actions speak louder than words.

If the guy I’m with is saying all the right words but still acting like an a-hole, that’s not going to fly. Being able to whisper sweet nothings and tell me what I want to hear is great and all, but if it’s not put into action, I’m out of there. It’s just that simple.

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