Why Are You Obsessed With Your Boyfriend’s Ex? Here’s The Deal

Things are going super well with your boyfriend. You’re really into each other and you’re pretty sure this one might last. However, there’s just one little thing nagging you that you can’t let go of: his previous girlfriend. She’s no longer in the picture and he’s definitely over her. However, you’re not. So, why are you obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex and how can you stop? Read on to find out.

Is it normal to obsess over your boyfriend’s ex?

To be honest, it’s not weird or even uncommon to be curious about your boyfriend’s past relationships, especially if they were significant or long-lasting. However, if this interest turns into an obsession and starts to negatively impact your mental health or your relationship, it’s no longer normal or okay.

Obsessing over your boyfriend’s ex could be a sign of insecurity or jealousy. Plus, if you’re not careful, it can lead to trust issues and unnecessary stress. It’s also completely unnecessary given that, you know, he’s with you now. Unless he’s being shady by keeping in contact with her secretly or he’s legitimately given you a reason to doubt him, you’re worrying pointlessly.

Signs you’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s former girlfriend

  1. You constantly check her social media profiles. You’re always looking for any updates or clues about her life. Is she dating someone else yet? How many friends does she have? Has she moved on from your boyfriend or is she secretly plotting to steal him back? These are just a few of the questions that cross your mind.
  2. You ask your boyfriend about her all the time, and you find yourself comparing yourself to her. He assures you that he adores you both in words and actions. However, because you’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex, you doubt he’s being honest. You worry that you’re not as pretty as her or that he liked having sex with her more. It’s intense.
  3. You’ve researched her extensively online, trying to find out everything you can about her. You’re basically a private investigator at this point. That’s how deep you’ve gone with your “research.” You don’t even know what you’re trying to find out. But that doesn’t stop you from looking.
  4. You have a strong emotional reaction when you hear her name or see a picture of her. It’s normal to not want to hear about her endlessly. However, if you literally feel like you’re going to vomit or punch a wall when you so much as hear her name, that’s a problem.
  5. You feel jealous or threatened when your boyfriend talks about her. If he mentions a concert they went to together, you’re filled with rage. You want to be the one who shares every major moment in life with him. It’s like you can’t handle that he had a life before you.
  6. You feel the need to know every detail about their past relationship, even if it makes you uncomfortable or upset. As much as you don’t want to hear about her, you feel like you have to. Not knowing about her is worse than knowing.
  7. You have tried to contact her or find ways to meet her, even if it is not appropriate or necessary. This is one of the biggest (and scariest) signs you’re obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex. This is not okay! Time to take a MAJOR step back.
  8. You’ve asked your boyfriend to stop talking to her or seeing her, even if they have a legitimate reason to stay in touch. Obviously they shouldn’t be hanging out 24/7 or texting late at night. However, if there’s a legit reason they need to be in contact occasionally, you need to chill.
  9. You have developed a negative opinion of her even though you’ve never met her. How can you judge someone you don’t even know? All just because she dated the same guy as you? Yikes. Unless she’s an axe murderer or something objectively awful, refrain from even forming an idea about her.
  10. You feel like you’re in competition with her. You constantly compare yourself to her in terms of looks, personality, or achievements. Meanwhile, she’s not even aware of your existence. See how unhinged this seems?

How can you stop?

  1. Limit your exposure. Try to avoid looking at her social media profiles or trying to find out more information about her. This may require you to unfollow or block her on social media to resist the temptation.
  2. Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. Shift your attention to your current relationship and work on building a strong and healthy connection with your partner. Spend quality time together, have open and honest communication, and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
  3. Practice self-care. Take some time to develop a strong sense of self. When you love yourself and know your worth, you won’t care so much about what other people are doing. You’re happier staying in your lane.
  4. Call yourself out on your bullsh*t. Challenge your thoughts. When you find yourself obsessing over your boyfriend’s ex, try to challenge your thoughts and reframe them in a more positive light. For example, instead of thinking, “She’s so much better than me,” try to think, “I am unique and have my own strengths and qualities.”
  5. If all else fails, consider seeing a professional. Talking to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings is great. However, you may be better off seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with some tools to help you work through your emotions and break the cycle of being obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex.

Remember, it’s normal to have some curiosity about your boyfriend’s past relationships. However, it’s also important to recognize when that curiosity turns into an unhealthy obsession. By taking proactive steps to focus on your own relationship and well-being, you can overcome these feelings and move forward in a healthy and positive way.

Why do you get obsessed with your boyfriend’s ex in the first place?

  1. You feel insecure. If you are feeling insecure about yourself or your relationship, you may become obsessed with your partner’s ex as a way of measuring yourself against them. Believe in your sauce. The sooner you realize you’re pretty damn great, the less she’ll matter.
  2. You’re jealous. If you feel jealous of your partner’s past relationship, you may become obsessed with their ex as a way of trying to understand why your partner was attracted to them. You want to feel like you’re the only person he could ever possibly be into. That’s unrealistic and unfair. It can also lead to some really problematic behaviors.
  3. You can’t stop comparing yourself. Constantly wondering if you’re as thin/pretty/smart/funny/successful as his ex may lead to feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. It can also fuel an obsession because she’s constantly on your mind.
  4. You’re afraid of the unknown. If you feel like you don’t know enough about your boyfriend’s past relationship, you may become obsessed with his ex as a way of filling in the gaps. Of course, unless there’s something that legitimately doesn’t add up, the details really don’t matter to your relationship with him.
  5. You have unresolved issues from past relationships yourself. If you’ve been through some bad relationship experiences in the past, it may make you more prone to becoming obsessed with your partner’s ex. For instance, maybe your ex cheated on you with his ex, making you more worried it might happen again.
Jennifer Still is a writer and editor with more than 10 years of experience. The managing editor of Bolde, she has bylines in Vanity Fair, Business Insider, The New York Times, Glamour, Bon Appetit, and many more. You can follow her on Twitter @jenniferlstill