Some people refer to their friends as the family they get to choose — and that makes complete sense. The family you’re born into isn’t who you’re stuck with for eternity, and you don’t have to give them the time of day if you don’t want to. While some families are close, hosting family reunions and getting together for holidays, others aren’t. Your attachment to your blood relatives could have much to do with how you were raised. However, there are also plenty of reasons why your chosen family, aka your friends, might be better than those who share blood or a name with you. According to a 2017 study by William J. Chopik from the Department of Psychology, Michigan State University, our friendships help keep us happier and healthier, especially as we age. When it comes to choosing friends over family, here are some healthy reasons.
1. You have toxic family members.
Let’s face it—even family members can be toxic to one another. Perhaps you have an ultra-competitive sibling or a controlling parent. These family members only care about themselves, not what their actions are doing to you. Toxic family members can make you feel anxious, unloved, uncomfortable in your skin, and so much more. While we feel like family needs to stick by each other, you’re better off hanging out with loving and caring friends than a toxic parent or sibling.
2. Your friends have an outside opinion.
There are times when you need the opinion of someone unbiased. While that can better come from a stranger, go to your friends when you need family-related advice. They have an outside view that can help you see things in a different light. They also likely know more about you than your family does.
3. You can feel more open and honest around your friends.
This is a big deal for some of us—not having to watch what you say makes it easier to vent, be excited, and express all the other emotions we go through at important parts of our lives. Around your family, you may worry about saying things that aren’t okay with them, like swearing or talking about your sex life. Friends can sometimes handle deeper conversations better than family.
4. Good friends are less likely to boss you around.
While there are controlling friends out there and those who love to give unsolicited advice, friends are more likely to be on your side and push you to follow your dreams. Family members tend to want you to think rationally and come up with all the rules and regulations they believe you should follow when living your life. Let’s face it: We’ve all had that family member who always knew what was best for us, even if it wasn’t.
5. Friends are more likely to help you discover who you are.
While your friends are allowing you to be more open about who you are and your family is busy trying to mold you into what they hope for you, those friends are pushing you to learn who you are. Friends are more likely to help us explore our interests. They’re also less likely to judge us for our mistakes — and mistakes help us learn what we want in life and who we want to be.
6. Families fall apart.
While friendships are never guaranteed to last, neither are family connections. Many families find they’re held together by one particular matriarch or patriarch, and when that person passes, everyone loses connection. Without a good friend or two, you may not have anyone to go to. Friends who feel like family are vital when you lose your closest family, like your parents.
7. You probably have some shared interests with your friends.
There’s nothing that says you can’t have shared interests with family members, but because we choose our friends, they often have more shared hobbies with us. You may have met your friend doing something you both enjoy. Hobbies and other things that help us enjoy life and step away from work are great for bringing more happiness into your life, and sharing those joys with others can make it even more fun and fulfilling.
8. You get to make the rules.
Your family dynamic was likely already set in place before you came along. In your friendships, you can determine what you’ll put up with, how things should be, and what you won’t tolerate. It’s easier to cut ties with a toxic friend than a toxic family member (unless that friend is part of a group of friends). It’s also easier to set boundaries with friends because you can set them from day one; no retraining of bad habits is needed, as might be the case in a family dynamic.
9. Friendship commitments can often be more visible.
Your family members may seem committed to you and staying in touch, but they could feel forced. With friends, there’s no one to push them to keep in touch other than themselves and you. You make the rules here—friendships should be reciprocal, with you both putting in the same effort. As long as your friend puts in as much effort as you do to your friendship, you can see their commitment to making things work.
10. Friends are less afraid to be honest with you.
If you’re looking for honesty that might slap you across the face and make you cry, go to a friend instead of a family member. Yes, your family can sometimes be more judgmental than friends; you want pure, unadulterated honesty rather than a biased opinion. Your friend will be more straightforward when offering advice; they likely know more about the situation than your family (and possibly more than you do).
11. Friends can be more forgiving.
If you don’t call your mom for a week, she’s likely to let you have it. However, friends will likely be more understanding if you don’t talk to them for a week. Of course, you don’t want to neglect your relationships with your friends, but having people who understand that life is sometimes busy and complicated and leaves us needing extra alone time can be healing.
12. Friends are more likely to drop everything when you’re in need.
We’re not saying your closest siblings or cousins wouldn’t cancel plans if you were in a crisis, but your closest friends are more likely to be there when you have a breakup or a breakdown. They’ll also be there when you get that promotion or your partner finally pops the question, and you need to celebrate. Those who are there for us through the good and the bad are the ones we need to keep around.
13. You can always make new friends.
Yes, new family members will be born into your family, but they could be distant, and you may never meet them. You’re automatically open to making new friends if you’re leaving the house or on social media. This means that even if one of your friendships falls apart, there is someone new out there waiting to fill that void.
14. There are no rules in friendship aside from those you create.
Families sometimes come with rules, no matter how old you are. You learn who not to swear around. You know who doesn’t accept you as you are (whether they don’t like your sexual orientation, the way you dress, or your career choice). In friendships, the rules come from you and your friends, and if you don’t like someone else’s rules, there’s no “blood” making you stay in that relationship.
15. Friendships feel less forced.
You may feel forced to go to holiday get-togethers with your family. Perhaps there are some cousins or other relatives you don’t get along with, but your parents get on you about skipping family reunions because these people are your “blood.” Friendships feel less forced—no one is pushing you to go to the next bar outing if you’re not feeling it. Plus, if your friendship falls apart, it’s easier to avoid seeing them again than it is to avoid a family member.
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