If Women Were Players, This Is How We’d Behave

We’ve all experience our fair share of players, but what would happen if the term applied to women? Most of us may not be so keen on sending unwanted tit pics or asking for pictures of men’s junk, but if you decided to stop being a decent human being and start being a player girl, here’s what you’d need to do when you start talking to a guy:

  1. Immediately ask about his income and anything material. Sure, he probably has a personality and stuff, but check out that tailored suit jacket — is it Armani? What was the rating of the resort he stayed at when he visited Cabo? These questions are all just as relevant as the size of your boobs and how well you give oral sex.
  2. Ask to see pics of his bank statement constantly. You don’t need penis pics. What player girls really need is to know what a guy can provide you monetarily. After all, you don’t care to lift a finger and make any effort for something meaningful unless there’s something in it for you, right? What’s his 401k like? Can you see a picture of the pay stubs, please? They’re obviously crucial to determining his self-worth.
  3. Cuss him out if he rejects you. As soon as he expresses disinterest, make sure to call him a low-life piece of crap and that he’s so fat that no one could ever want him. He so clearly deserves the harsh comments after rejecting the holy grail that is you.
  4. Call him late at night and ask him for diamonds. You don’t care if he’s sleeping and has work in the morning — you have needs, and they need to be fulfilled. Dial him up at 1 am when you notice that your wrist doesn’t have enough frosting and demand that he buy you something shiny. After all, it’s completely acceptable to call only late at night to ask for what you want.
  5. Objectify guys in public. When you’re driving around, walking down the street or are out shopping and you see a hot guy, make sure he knows it. Honk your horn. Shout out the window. Whistle at him like he’s a dog. Tell him how hot his facial hair would look between your legs. You’ll probably end up marrying him just based on your clever pick-up tactics.
  6. Prioritize your orgasm and only your orgasm. Sex is just so much effort, especially oral sex. Ain’t nobody got time for that! You’re a busy woman, so get what you need out of the situation and get your Z’s in immediately. He can fend for himself later.
  7. Cancel plans last minute no matter how hard he worked to make them. Yeah, it’s cute when he makes an effort and all, but if you’ve got better things to do, you need to put yourself first. So what if he’s cooked you dinner or marinated steaks for 12 hours just the way you like them? If you’re tired and would rather do clay face-masks all night, it’s your right to cancel. And if he calls you up about how you’re being inconsiderate, call him crazy and hang up.
  8. Call him by the name of another guy you’re dating. When you’re an expert-level player, it’s hard to keep track of all of the dudes in your rotation, so don’t feel bad if you accidentally mix up Brad with Jake. Brad will understand that you’re just going with the flow and not letting yourself get tied down to one D.
  9. Tell him about all the psycho guys you’ve dated. When he asks about your past relationships, you don’t need to tell him too much, but definitely mention how completely insane and psycho they all were. When he asks why, keep it vague and use filler words like “nut-job” or “stalker.” He’ll surely believe you’re the innocent one in every instance.
  10. As soon as he shows feelings, stop responding to his texts. Feelings are extremely scary to a player girl. You don’t really care about him at all — you’re just having fun, and you should never worry about how it might make him feel when you don’t return his sentiments. In fact, how dare he complicate all the fun you’re having by getting his feelings involved? He must be needy AF. Gross.
  11. Slide into his DMs months after ghosting on him. As soon as a few weeks or a couple months have gone by, break the silence by slipping a “hey stranger, long time no talk” message into his inbox. Sure, he may have already moved on by now since you went completely MIA on him, but that’s not your concern. Your only objective is to seek validation and get the attention you deserve.