If You Can’t Love Me All The Way, Please Don’t Love Me At All

When it comes to loving me, either you’re entirely in or you can show yourself out. It’s not always easy living in an all or nothing world, but given the choice between an inadequate love life and no love life at all, this is why I’d rather stick to sleeping alone:

I love at 100% or at 0%. When I show up, I show up hard, or I don’t bother showing up at all. When I’m passionate about something, I don’t pull any punches, and I’m not about to expect any less out of love. I respect that not everyone can handle my intensity, and that’s okay. But when my love runs boiling hot, don’t expect me to settle for a love that’s only lukewarm in return.

Your love shouldn’t feel like a housecat. Our relationship shouldn’t feel like I’m closing the door after letting you out… then opening it five minutes later when you want back in again. Wishy-washy uncertainties just don’t work for me, and they never will. I can tolerate that kind of behavior in a fluffy kitten, but I’ll never tolerate it in a man. Once my door is closed, it stays that way.

Love isn’t the kind of thing you want to half-ass. Love should be many things, not lazy. When married couples talk about love being a lot of hard work, I believe them. So when I’m looking for love, I’m not searching for the kind that’s going to show up late and cut out early. I whole-ass everything I do, so if you’re only willing to half-ass your affections in return, you know where the door is.

I’m all about a love that I can depend on. Your love isn’t a toy that I need to keep in my sight at all times out of fear that it will disappear the second I stop looking. We’re not children anymore, and my sense of object permanence is just fine. When I turn away to focus on my career, my family or my faith, I expect your love to be there when I turn back around — and if it’s not, then I’m not interested. I believe in a reliable love that’s full of trust and respect, and if I can’t get it, I’m not going to be constantly checking over my shoulder to make sure you’re still there. I’ll walk away, and I won’t look back.

I don’t invest my heart in uncertain markets. I’ve lost in love too many times before to go placing bets on people who can’t deliver. If you’re giving me the sense that you’re a high-risk investment, I’m much happier to cut my losses and take my love elsewhere than I am sitting on my hands, waiting on returns that may never come.

I don’t expect anything I’m not willing to give. Some people don’t know what they do and don’t deserve in love, but when I’m putting my everything into a relationship, I can be certain that I’m entitled to more than just your leftovers. When I love someone, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Hell, I’ll hand-deliver it right to your doorstep with a hand-written note and a pretty red bow. If you can’t do the same, then you’re not worth my energy.

No one only loves their soulmate halfway. How many love stories do you know that go, “He kind of loved her. Sometimes. When he felt like it. And she was like, okay with that, or whatever.” How many 50th wedding anniversaries have you been to where the happy couple just shrugs and says, “Yeah, we kind of liked each other, we guess.” I’m chasing that heart-racing, knee-trembling, all-consuming One Love. The kind of romance where love is never a question isn’t some half-baked choice.

I won’t settle for a “maybe” when I deserve to be a “definitely”. You can get a “maybe” from anyone, so why not hold out for the one person who will give you an “absolutely, with all my heart”? Life is full of maybes. If I were looking for vague possibilities to invest my emotions in, I’d follow the weather channel.

You might be keeping both of us from something better. It’s not just that I deserve someone who loves me the way I want to be loved — you deserve to love someone wholly and intensely, too. If that someone isn’t me, then I owe it to the both of us to let you go. Someday, I hope we’ll both find the people that we’re meant to fall hard for, head-first and full of emotion — the way it’s supposed to be.

I shouldn’t be holding you back. If I’m not the person who makes it impossible for you to see anyone else, then I’m only getting in the way. It might hurt for a little bit, but my ego has handled more bumps and bruises in this life than I ever could have dreamed possible. In time, all things heal, and this will, too. When it does and you find someone you’re absolutely crazy about, you’ll be thankful I let you go.

If you can’t love me like I deserve, someone else will. If I’m not your be-all, end-all, then trust me: you’re not mine, either. I’m rolling with the faith  that somewhere out there, there’s someone who can more than just handle me just the way I am.

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