10 Ways To Find Yourself Again After A Breakup

­­Depending on how it all went down, breakups can be soul-crushing. You might’ve been hopeful for a game changer or, at the very least, just gotten slightly attached to someone. It’s even worse when they’re totally mean about it. An end to what you had doesn’t have to end you if you put these 10 suggestions on how to spark the return of your glow-up to use.

  1. Let yourself grieve. There’s no use in trying to put up an immediate front of being good. To start the process of moving on, you have to at least acknowledge what you feel. Cue a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, box of Kleenex, and sad R&B playlist adult cry-it-out session first, then let it go. But don’t just plunge forward thinking the feelings will magically vanish into thin air if you avoid them altogether.
  2. Write it out. Writing is cathartic. Whatever your literacy comfort is, anything from a text or letter you never send (emphasis on the not actually sending part) to a complete well-crafted essay/poem about the guy can just help you process differently. It’s not always easy to be eloquent and come up with the right words in direct conversation, but art gives you the creative leeway to make sense out of confusion.
  3. Set concrete, achievable goals. Crossing off your to-do list allows you to relish in mini victories. Set yourself up for success by assigning simple tasks at first (maybe even ones you do every day anyway) like “brush my teeth” or “take out the trash.” Get in the habit of feeling like you can and will be the goal-getter you know you can be. Whenever you’re ready, set bigger and longer-term goals like reaching your target weight or getting the raise you deserve at work.
  4. Spend time with friends. Feeling lonely isn’t going to make the transition easier. You experience a loss of companionship, forfeit “good morning/night” texts, and have no one to get excited to see or plan things to do with, etc. Get-togethers with the girls can fill that void and keep you from backsliding into his DMs out of boredom and habit. It may even help if you do things for your friends you did for him- like cook, put on makeup, or buy a gift. Just know you don’t need him to be a giving/considerate person and have fun.
  5. If you need to, do a healthy amount of lurking. Some breakups hit harder than others and it’s just not easy to erase someone from your life. I’m not saying go in full stalker mode so you can spend time together (unknown to him), but social media has a way of making you feel like you’ve “checked in” with someone if you keep tabs on their updates. Try not to go to the extent of obsessing over when he is “active” online and what his location on Snapchat is, but if making sure he’s still alive and well by briefly checking his page every now and again prevents a 2 am drunk dial then it may be more good than harm (temporarily).
  6. Do you. A bad relationship will not complement what makes you uniquely you. Depending on the level of toxicity, you might get pulled away from family, friends, and even your true self. A breakup is a good chance to rediscover your own identity and freely pursue what brings out the best version of who you are.
  7. Take a break. If you really cared about someone, jumping straight into the next situation can stunt your progression. Not only do you subject that person to becoming a rebound and/or taking out your frustrations from how you were treated in your previous relationship on him, but you also deny yourself a chance to heal. A new relationship will distract you, but it won’t fix what the last one broke.
  8. Go on solo dates. It’s easy to get comfortable and dependent on relationships with anyone in your life. It’s a good feeling to know that you can do things on your own and still enjoy yourself. You also don’t want to designate certain activities as things you can only do if you’re boo’d up. It’s perfectly OK to see a movie or eat at a restaurant alone. Don’t ever be in a position to feel like you need someone in your life as opposed to just wanting them.
  9. Transform yourself. Don’t go overboard and be carelessly impulsive, but it may be exciting to tangibly mark the start of new beginnings in your life. An outward change can give you the confidence to pursue an inner transition. It could help if you change your hair cut/color or get a new tattoo to celebrate a newer and better post-breakup you.
  10. Seek inspiration from others. Breakups suck, but you’re not the first person to go through one or the last. Find out what other people did to overcome setbacks after it happened to them. You can have a private discussion with personal contacts, check out public group forums, or even read articles and books about famous celebrity splits for ideas.
I’m Cara, not to be confused with Carrie, although you could say I’m a Millennial Bradshaw of sorts. Pop culture connoisseur. Lover of all things creative and passionate about health and personal well-being. Follow me on IG @cara_vale_writer