Although fighting is normal in relationships, and can even be healthy, fighting fair is non-negotiable. If you don’t do it, you’re disrespecting your partner and causing big problems that could sink your relationship. If you’ve said any of these 11 things in an argument, you weren’t playing by the rules or keeping things above board. It’s time to change your ways so your fights can be constructive and help your relationship grow.
1. “You’re Totally Crazy!”
Name-calling is never a good idea during a fight. It’s a cheap shot if you have nothing constructive to say and you want to win at all costs. But it’s disrespectful to your partner and they might never forget that you resorted to such a low blow. So, whether you’re calling your partner crazy/stupid/ridiculous, don’t ever do it.
2. “Just Calm Down!”
Newsflash: telling someone to calm down is the least effective way of helping them to calm down. That’s a fact. It’ll annoy the crap out of them, especially during a heated moment in a fight. You don’t want to escalate the twitchy situation by telling your partner to chill ’cause it sounds self-righteous and could cause a bigger blow-up. If their tantrum is affecting you, rather say something like, “I feel like I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
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4. “Let’s Drop It.”
You’re in the middle of an argument when you decide to say, “Let’s drop it.” Um, what? That’s no way to end a fight! It’s just going to cause your relationship issues to pile up and worsen, causing you a bigger fight in the future. If you can’t continue the fight right now, set a time for when you can hash it out later.
5. “I’m Leaving.”
Threatening to leave the relationship or break up during a fight is mean. It can be seen as a way of trying to manipulate things to your advantage. It’s just as bad to leave the room or the house so your partner has to chase you to finish the argument. This tactic also causes things to be left unresolved, which is what you don’t want.
6. “Not This Stuff Again!”
Maybe your partner is bringing up something that’s still hurting them, like a betrayal or an insult you threw at them. While you might think they’re playing dirty by raising the past, if it’s still upsetting them, you should be willing to explore it and talk about it. Don’t just shut it down. That’s so disrespectful of their feelings.
7. “You Always/Never…”
If you tell your partner, “You always leave your clothes on the floor/you never give me a compliment!” it can feel like you’re summing up their entire personality. Maybe they don’t always leave dirty clothing on the floor, but you’re trying to make them see how irritating it is. The thing is, using absolutes  like “always/never” can make your partner defensive because they feel attacked.
8. “Let’s Talk About It Later.”
Interrupting your partner to tell them that you don’t want to fight RN is maddening. Unless you can tell them a specific time when you’re going to sit down and talk about what’s bothering both of you, you can’t just brush it off. Besides, some people use the term “later” to mean “never.” In which case, you’re done with the relationship.
9. “I Did It Because It’s Your Fault.”
If your partner’s attacking you for something you’ve done, such as flirting with someone else or cheating on them, you might try to turn the situation around on them. Maybe you pick out their faults so that you can blame them for your bad decisions. SMH. It’s not cool to do this because not taking responsibility for your mistakes causes more pain and resentment.
10. “You Know That’s Not What Happened.”
Dealing with lies and disagreements can intensify a fight, causing chaos instead of growth. If your partner brings up that you lied to them and you challenge what they’re saying by telling them they’re wrong, this is an attempt to shut them down. But instead of making the person feel gaslit, give them a chance to express themselves and explain what you think or feel. Maybe you legit didn’t lie to them – now’s your chance to talk about it.
11. “After What I’ve Done For You?”
One of the most toxic things you can do during a fight is bring up how much you’ve supported or loved your partner. For example, by saying, “How can you say that when I helped you pay off your student loans?” or “How can you treat me like this after I’m always the one bailing you out of situations?” Look, your good deeds might be legit, but it’s manipulative to use them as leverage in a fight.
12. “What About That Time…”
When fighting, stick to the present moment. Focus on the reason for this fight so you can deal with it promptly and without unnecessary detours that take you to dramaville. What you don’t want is to bring previous fights into this one, such as by saying, “What about the time you fought about my attitude?” or “What about how you always scream in a fight?” Unless those grievances are linked to the current issue, raising them isn’t productive.
