Although I don’t have any scientific proof to back up what I’m about to say, I’m pretty sure most of us have hooked up with an ex at one point or another. Of course, when we’re totally in our right minds, we can agree that hooking up with an ex is never a good idea, but in the moment, it’s hard to think clearly. Suddenly all those feelings come rushing back and you’re forced to think that maybe, just maybe, you can somehow work it out and get back together. Or, maybe you realize, that your ex is still a total putz and you’re better off.
But no matter which way your brain goes after the hookup, it’s during the hookup that your brain is all over the place. As much as you try to enjoy what’s happening, your need to overanalyze everything just makes for an emotional and mental disasters. How much of a disaster? These 17 thoughts of a crap show.
After the breakup, you probably prayed for this moment for weeks or months. You may not even be religious, but you decided you’d temporarily convert in the hopes of getting him back for at least one night.
“When was the last time I shaved my legs?”
If you’re not getting action on the reg, who the hell shaves their legs? If your hookup wasn’t planned, then maybe your legs do resemble a chia pet, so of course you’re going to internally harp on that for a good 10 minutes.
“I wonder if I’m better in bed now.”
In thinking this thought, you’re also tempted to ask your ex, but then again, do you want to ruin the mood or prove to him that you’re really overthinking this whole thing? (Although if he knows you at all, they already know exactly what’s going on in your head.)
“This feels so good.”
Familiarity always feels good. It’s like coming home again, so that’s no surprise.
“Or maybe it feels so wrong?”
But let’s be honest: Doesn’t it feel good to be bad? Answer: YES.
“We should never have broken up.”
As your ex begins to touch you exactly how he knows you like to be touched, it’s easy to go down that road of questioning why you even said adieu. I mean, based on the current moment, you at least still have something in common.
“Does this mean we might have another chance at love?”
Oxytocin, the hormone released during sex, hugging, orgasms, and all that good stuff, is a trickster. With that stuff pumping through your body, you could think you’re in love with a lamp post and might even feel the need to propose to a mailbox.
“I hope he doesn’t think this mean we’re getting back together
.” You have to figure if you’re thinking it, he might be thinking it, too. Or at least you hope that you’re not the only one thinking it, even if you don’t want to get back together.
“It would be so awesome if this could be a regular thing.”
Would it though? Damn you, oxytocin!
“Ugh. He’s still doing THAT?”
Well, if you never told him the first 500 times you had sex that it wasn’t your thing, how the hell did you expect him to realize after you broke up that it wasn’t your thing? Lesson here, people: If you want to have great hookup sex with your ex, train him to be awesome before he’s your ex. It’s really just basic math.
“I’m so happy I ran into him!”
Well, if you haven’t messed anyone in a long time, it can definitely feel that way.
“I probably should have stayed home tonight
.” Buyer’s remorse can be a real thing. Or maybe you’re finally realizing that you actually haven’t shaved your legs four months and are horrified?
“He better not think I’m still in love or anything after this.”
To be honest, he’s probably not going to be thinking much after this, at least in my personal experience. He’s going to come, pretend that he cares if you came, too, then either get up to go or roll over to sleep.
“Maybe I am still in love?”
DO. NOT. EVEN. GO. THERE. You have to remember that you broke up for a reason.
“I hope he doesn’t think he’s sleeping over.”
Pro tip: When hooking up with an ex, always — and I mean ALWAYS — go to his place so you’re in control of when you get to walk away from the situation. Of course, if you think you can’t walk away and you might not ever leave his bed again, then have him come to your place, so he can be the one to bail.
“Maybe we should go to brunch in the morning and talk about it.”
In the moment, it seems like a great idea because you’re thinking you two may want to rehash it all and see what it all means. However, in the light of day, if he’s still there, you’re going to see it means nothing; it was just sex.
“Seriously. What the hell am I doing?”
This thought will be the one you’ll have the most during your hook-up, but the chances of it forcing you to stop thinking with your vagina, are pretty slim.
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