For us single women, checking our phones when that text message dings can actually be quite terrifying. From family madness and girlfriend gossip to penis pictures and booty calls, we never know what messages we’re going to receive. So the next time you hear that familiar message tone, let’s pray that it’s not one of these arriving:
- “Hey there stranger, how have you been?” Coming from either that guy you lost interest in months ago or even an ex-boyfriend, we all know where this conversation will lead to. No, thank you!
- The unsolicited dick pic. “How was your day?” *Dick pic* Completely uncalled for and quite shocking, the unsolicited dick pic never bodes well. Let’s be real, that guy actually doesn’t care about your day or you. On the other hand, solicited dick pics are a great way to keep you sane during a dry spell (admit it, we’ve all stooped that low before).
- “Send me a pic.” Sent from every horny guy who will have sex with just about anyone (and we all have one of those in our lives), it’s best to just ignore it. If you do feel like engaging, be smart and clever in your response.
- The extra letters. “Hiiiii, Jennnn.” Those dreaded double letters mean one thing and one thing only: he’s DRUNK. Talk to you later (or never).
- “You awake?” Naturally sent at 3am, this dude just wants to have sex. And it’s during your eye-rolling as you decide if you want to respond when you truly realize just how single you actually are.
- The random number. You got wasted last night, can’t remember anything, and are hungover as hell. Then some random number texts. Whatever the message may be — “Are you OK?” or “We’ll have to do that again :)” — just don’t respond.
- “This is (insert guy’s name here) from Tinder/MeetUp/CoffeeMeetsBagel.” Why did you sign up for that dating site? Oh yeah, to try and not be single. Hopefully he looks like his profile picture.
- “Who is this?” You thought you met your soulmate last night. After a drink, great conversation, and the exchanging of phone numbers, you just wanted to send a cute follow-up text the next day. Guess he was drunker than you realized.
- “Let’s get wasted.” Coming from your fellow single friends on a weekday night or weekend morning. Um, no thanks. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you go out and party all the time.
- “All guys suck.” Coming from your recently dumped friend. Good thing you’re out of that stage!
- “Your Uber is on its way.” At least you’re being responsible. And who knows, maybe the driver will be cute?
- The order confirmation. Food or clothes, us singletons really know how to live it up on a Saturday night!
- “When are we hanging out again?” Sent in a group chat to your friends who are a coupled off. Because let’s be real, they aren’t spontaneous anymore, and seeing each other means planning a date a week in advance.
- The girlfriend gossip. “OMG, did you see what Danielle posted on Facebook?” The next thing you know, you’ve just wasted the last 20 minutes of your life talking about someone you couldn’t care less about.
- The advice question. Congrats — you found a guy who’s won your heart (for now). He just texted you and now you don’t know how to sound flirty and mysterious. So what do you do? You group chat it up! I mean, come on — we need to get advice from at least three BFFs before we respond to him.
- “I’m engaged!” Usually sent with a ring pic, you can’t help but be happy for your friend even though your jealousy is starting to rage.
- “I’m pregnant!” How can your college roomie or high school friend be old enough to be a mom? Hell, you’re still shopping at Kohl’s.
- The relationship status question. Why do moms always find it convenient to text you about your dating life like every other day? Are they bored at work? Seriously though, how many times can I ignore my mom’s “Have you met anyone yet?” texts?
- “Were there any cute guys there?” After attending any event where there are eligible men, you’ll always get this follow-up message from everyone you told your plans to.
- “When are you having my grandkids?” Should grandmas even be allowed to text?
- “There’s someone out there for you, I promise.” You know you’re REALLY single when you’re getting reassuring advice from your sympathetic, married-for-years-friend and/or therapist.
- The lack of texts. Sometimes, silence is nice. But when you don’t get a text for like hours on end, you can start to feel pretty lonely.
- The dad check-in. Usually one long run-on paragraph filled with way too many details, but it’s always nice to know that at least one male is thinking about you. Can I clone my dad and make him 30-years younger? Please and thank you.
