Have you ever thought (or even said aloud), “I’m going to be single forever!” with a great big sigh? It’s a common feeling, but is it really true? Will you actually be single forever? Well, perhaps. See if any of these signs ring a bell with you.
You’re too old.
Everyone knows that if you’re over the age of 25 and still single, there’s probably no hope left for you. Once you hit 30, though, that’s it — no more hope for true love exists. After all, there has never been a woman in human history who got married after turning 30, so why would you be the exception? Have you ever heard of a woman who fell in love in her 40s? Stop laughing, I know, it’s a ridiculous suggestion. If you’re over 30 and haven’t found a relationship worth sticking to, you may as well let your eggs shrivel up and resign yourself to lifelong spinsterhood.
You’re a robot.
If you’ve ever wondered about the state of your barren love life, maybe check into your genetic makeup. If you are a robot with zero personality, you will be single forever. Robots can’t fall in love because they don’t have hearts, so that just makes sense.
You enjoy the company of cats.
If you’ve ever adopted a poor kitty from one of those displays in front of Petco, you may have written off your chances of ever finding love. Why is there such a stereotype about cat ladies? Well, you may not know this, but back in the 16th century, cats were involved in a lot of shady deals with witches. Eventually something in this partnership went awry, and there was a curse placed upon any woman who even so much as looked at a cat with affection in her gaze, and they were doomed to singlehood forever.
You hate everyone.
You’ve never met another person on this earth who you didn’t hate on sight, including your own mother. This is an excellent trait to have if you’d like to remain single forever.
You’ve crossed the mafia.
Ever had a business deal with some shady characters go awry? Congratulations, you’ve messed with The Family, and chances are they’ve been offing all your suitors for years as an elaborate, long-term revenge plot against you.
You’re a feminist.
Everyone knows that feminists are all about equal pay for equal work and all that equality jazz, but did you know that feminists never find love? When you became a feminist, you signed a blood pact to remain faithful to the tenants of feminism for life. Maybe you didn’t read the fine print where it said “and also, I will never fall in love, cross my heart, men are gross.” You can’t be blamed for missing that part; it was in really tiny font.
You can’t make pasta from scratch.
It’s common knowledge that if you want to avoid spinsterhood, you’ve got to be in possession of a certain set of skills. One of those is the ability to craft pasta out of nothing but flour, salt, and gumption. If you’ve ever wondered why a promising relationship broke things off right after you served them from-the-box spaghetti, wonder no longer.
You’re trapped on a remote archipelago off the coast of Chile.
Maybe you thought it was a good idea at first, when you decided that living alone on a rock in the middle of the ocean studying the migratory habits of seabirds would be a grand adventure. It sure was, wasn’t it? Right until your satellite phone failed, your GPS beacon broke, and your boat sank. Now you’ll just have to live out your days consisting solely off of omelettes with no hope of ever ending your single streak, unless a spare pirate comes along.
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