Are You A Fixer? 11 Signs You Think You Can Change Him

You’re a great catch and a wonderful girlfriend, but are you sure you’re not a F.I.G.? If you are, it can totally wreck your relationship while making you miserable. Here are 11 signs you’re a Fix-It Girlfriend and why you need to stop right now.

  1. You’re determined to make the relationship work. You might not get any signals from your BF that he actually wants to be helped or fixed, but you’re a strong, determined woman. You like the challenge of solving a problem and you know that if your boyfriend could just stop drinking/get a job/treat you better, things between you would be dandy. However, don’t let your determination to make the relationship succeed cloud your vision. You should focus on what’s happening in real life before you try to create a fake relationship that won’t last. If he doesn’t want to change, you won’t be able to make him, no matter how determined you are.
  2. You’re super nice and overly helpful. You’re the woman who’s always got a smile on her face. You’d give your friend the shirt off your back and help your BF pay rent even if that means you’ll be short on money the next month. Are you sure you’re not being nice to the point of becoming a doormat? You’re not helping anybody if you’re being drained of your resources. Instead of fixing everyone else, focus on yourself! You’re the only one you can change, after all.
  3. You believe he wants help. You might think you’re not a F.I.G. because your boyfriend really wants and appreciates your help. However, he can smell that you’re a Fix-It Girlfriend, so he might just be trying to manipulate you into being there for him when he needs you and doing whatever he asks of you.
  4. You’re not a quitter. If you had to walk away from your boyfriend instead of giving him a chance to change and become a better man, you’d feel like such a quitter. And that’s the thing: you never give up. OK, that might be a good quality to have in the rest of your life, like when you’re chasing down your dreams, but it’s not healthy if you’re chasing a guy who’s actually never going to change.
  5. You have strong relationship ideals. You have clear ideas of how you want your relationship to be. You might even have the perfect vision of what you want in your boyfriend. The only catch? Your relationship and BF aren’t quite there yet. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should be the one to try to bring them to that point. It’s just too much energy and quite frankly a waste of time.
  6. You’re attracted to his baggage. You might think you’re attracted to your BF, but maybe you’re really attracted to his baggage—his problems, issues, and how much he makes you feel needed. But instead of getting dumped with all his drama, walk away now while you still can—and before you give him everything and end up with nothing to show for it.
  7. You know that he really loves you. You’re not crazy—you’re sticking around with this guy because you love him and you’re sure that he loves you too. But here’s the thing: every F.I.G. stays with her BF because she thinks the relationship is filled with love. The only problem is that it’s not love if you have to try to change the person you’re dating. Then it’s martyrdom or manipulation.
  8. You lack boundaries. Your lack of boundaries shows up in two ways. One, you’re always changing your boundaries to accommodate your BF. So, if you have a rule not to lend your partner money, he makes you break that rule. Second, you jump into his life and cross his boundaries. Yeah, you think you’re getting involved in his private affairs because you’re helping him, but really you’re being a tad too overwhelming. You’re also making it really easy for toxic guys to take advantage of you because you’re there before they even call you!
  9. You’re often exhausted. At the end of the day, you look like you’ve been run over by a bus. You have dark circles under your eyes and zero energy. Lately, it seems that you’re getting sick more regularly, as though your immune system is on the fritz. That’s thanks to stress. Being a F.I.G. is stressful business. You have to work really hard to try to help your BF, and that starts to take its toll sooner or later. Ask yourself: is it really worth it? The short answer is no.
  10. You focus on his issues more than yours. Instead of dealing with things you should change in your life, you’re too busy concentrating on solving all your partner’s issues. Hmm. Maybe they’re actually a convenient distraction so that you don’t have to work on yourself!
  11. You’ve got low self-confidence. Take a look at how you feel around your partner. Do you often feel this craving to be needed or loved? It says more about you than your partner, and could be stemming from insecurity. Instead of feeling worthy by trying to fix your BF, work on finding your own worth. It’s really an inside job. Once you build up your confidence, you’ll see that you don’t need to jump through hoops to be loved.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.