11 Ways I Know I’m Holding Myself Back From Meeting My Soulmate—Are You?

I want to find my soulmate, I really do, but I think I might be sabotaging myself a little. I just can’t seem to shake the fear that I might end up alone and that fear is crippling me and making it hard to not only date but even talk to guys I’m interested in.

I’m not putting myself out there.

A lot of my friends are going out and meeting new people and I’m not, partially because I’m usually too tired after work to hit up happy hour and partially because my friends’  idea of “going out” is going to the bars and I’d honestly rather break both of my legs than mingle in a sticky bar filled with drunks and “louds” (“louds” are what I call loud people).

I’m waiting for the perfect time.

People say there’s no such thing as the “perfect time” to meet someone but I disagree. Sometimes you have to wait until you are where you want to be before you embark on finding your soulmate. That’s where I am now! The only problem is that I don’t know where/who I want to be so I’m basically waiting until I become someone else. That doesn’t seem right, does it?

I’m not letting myself get over my ex.

Instead of working to get over my ex, I just keep replacing him with one-night stands and uncomfortable “situationships.” But after a couple weeks of meaningless sex, I’m alone again and left wishing that I was back in a relationship with my ex… even though I know a relationship with him would never ever make me happy.

I keep flirting with inappropriate guys.

I should be looking for guys who are potential soulmate material! I shouldn’t be talking to dudes who straight up tell me they aren’t interested in something serious. I shouldn’t be talking to guys who cheat on me and refuse to text me back, and I definitely shouldn’t be talking to guys who are already in committed relationships (although, how “committed” is their relationship if they’re talking to me?).

I’m focusing too hard on a specific type.

I say I want a guy who’s taller than me (not hard since I’m only 5’3″), who’s determined, energetic (but not in an annoying way), smart, doesn’t still live with his parents and has a good sense of where he’s going in life. Personally, I think my type is solid, but I might be a little too rigid about it, which is making me ignore other potentially appealing characteristics.

I’m not living in the moment.

When I’m dating someone, I usually spend more time wondering what our relationship looks like to other people than being in tune about how I feel about the relationship. I want to be #couplegoals! I want my friends to wish they had a relationship like mine. Worrying about what others think forces me to put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself, him, and the relationship as a whole. This undoubtedly does more harm than good.

I’m hanging out with a depressing crowd.

I love my crazy single badass friends, but sometimes they can be a bit of a drag. Instead of pushing themselves or me to go out and meet guys, they just sit around, drink, and bitch about how every guy is a huge a-hole. I’m not saying guys don’t suck—they do!—but how many times can we talk about how much they suck?!

I’m not learning from my mistakes.

 I dated a guy who turned out to be a complete jerk. There were signs that he was going to suck but I ignored them, and then when I saw those same signs in the next guy, I still ignored them. Guess what? The outcome was exactly the same—I got screwed and I just watched it happen.

I’m recycling guys.

Honestly, I don’t know how other people don’t do this. Am I really the only one who finds it damn near impossible to meet new people in your twenties? It’s hard, man, which is why I end up re-dating my exes and hanging out with guys I knew but didn’t really know super well in high school.

I’m relying too heavily on what my friends think.

My friends can be super helpful but they’re a little too harsh when it comes to guys. I’m not saying they’re wrong to tell me to ignore his text, but sometimes I wonder, if the situation was reversed, would they ignore their boyfriends’ texts? Probably not! So why the hell do I keep listening to their unwarranted advice?!

I’m not asking myself the tough questions.

Sure, I can tell people I want to find my soulmate and be in a “real adult relationship,” but do I really mean it? If I did, wouldn’t I be doing everything in my power to find that relationship? I’d be asking my friends to set me up, I’d be on all the dating apps, and I’d be going out of my way to spend time with guys who show a real interest. In reality, I’m not doing any of those things, so maybe I’m not really ready for that “real adult relationship” after all.

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