If You Still Believe You Can Change A Guy, Read This

While your partner likely has a couple of traits you’re not that fond of, but attempting to rid your S.O. of these qualities (or instill new ones) is a bad idea. You can’t change another person, and even trying has counterproductive effects. In fact, the harder you try to change someone, the more impossible the relationship will be. Here’s why.

  1. Most people are afraid of change. People rarely change unless they have to, and even then it’s a battle. Change is scary even when it’s a personal decision, and pushing someone into it will only have negative effects for both of you. If someone isn’t changing of their own free will, they definitely won’t change because someone else wants them to.
  2. He has to do the work himself. You can’t do it for him. The whole point of change is for someone to grow, and you can’t grow without putting in the work. No one can truly be changed by someone else because change cannot be passive. No matter how good your intentions, trying to change someone for the better will only harm them in the long run.
  3. No one is going to change unless they find motivation from within themselves. People don’t change unless they want it for themselves. No matter how much they love you and want to be your ideal man, nothing will change unless they want to grow on their own. No amount of wishing on your part will change that.
  4. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. If you don’t think he’s good enough, you’re doing him a disservice by staying with him. No one should have to change in order to be loved. Even if you think he’s close to being perfect for you except for a few tiny details, you’re actually hurting him and yourself by needing him to change in order to be what you want him to be. Let him go find someone who loves him for who he is so you can find someone who meets your standards. Neither of you deserve anything less.
  5. If you feel like it’s your job to change him, you’ve already failed. Let’s be clear about this: it is not your job to make someone a better person. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and their own choices. You should not feel obligated to “save” anyone or “turn their life around.” You deserve someone who is worthy of you as they are, not someone who needs to change in order to be worthy of you.
  6. You already know who he is, deep down. People are telling you who they are in every moment of every day that you’re with them. Every interaction, every action, every word is information. If you think that the “real” him is what’s behind all of that and that all you have to do is peel back the layers to get to the good stuff, you’re in denial. He is who he has been showing you he is all along. Anything else you see is just wishful thinking.
  7. Sometimes people are just incompatible and that’s OK. Ask yourself why you feel the need to change the man you’re with. Is it because you don’t have enough in common? Is it because you communicate differently or have conflicting values? If so, you’re probably just not compatible with each other, and if this is the case, you’re in luck: neither of you need to change. You just need to go your separate ways and find people you actually compatible with.
  8. If he wants to change for you, he’ll do it on his own. Trying to rescue a man from himself will only cause difficulty within your relationship. If he really loves you and wants to be a better person, he will be falling over himself to become the man you deserve. Anything less than this is just a helpful indication that you should be with someone else who is willing to put the work in to be your partner.
  9. Trying to change someone builds resentment. No one wants to feel like their partner wants them to be a different person. While you may think that you’re motivated to change someone through love, it’s doubtful that he’ll see it that way. Most likely he’ll just feel inadequate and resentful that you don’t think he’s good enough as he already is.
  10. There are plenty of men in the world who are good enough. If the guy you’re trying to change isn’t good enough for you already, you shouldn’t be with him. There are so many more men out there who would be privileged to date you and don’t need to change a thing about themselves to be worthy of you. Why waste your time on a lost cause when you could find someone who truly fits your needs?
  11. Anyone who’s reluctant to change now isn’t going to get any better in the future. Trying to change someone is futile, now and forever. If you have failed to change someone and are telling yourself that maybe now just “isn’t the right time,” or that he “isn’t ready,” you’re setting yourself up for a future of frustration and heartbreak. If he isn’t going to change for you now, he never will. As hard as it may be, it’s time to move on. You deserve someone else.
Rose Nolan is a writer and editor from Austin, TX who focuses on all things female and fabulous. She has a Bachelor of Arts in Theater from the University of Surrey and a Master's Degree in Law from the University of Law. She’s been writing professional since 2015 and, in addition to her work for Bolde, she’s also written for Ranker and Mashed. She's published articles on topics ranging from travel, higher education, women's lifestyle, law, food, celebrities, and more.