I’m Not Asexual But I Don’t Really Enjoy Sex

While I’ve always considered myself to have a healthy sex drive, the older I get, the less interested I am in having sex with other people. I’ve had multiple sexual partners of different genders over the years, but unfortunately, very few of these encounters have left me feeling satisfied.

  1. Having sex with other people stresses me out. There are so many things to worry about when having sex with someone for the first time. My mind can’t help but race with a million questions. “Will they like how I look naked?” “Will we be able to communicate well?” “Will I feel comfortable with them?” The stress that comes along that initial experience is enough to put me off it altogether. I’m more than happy to just avoid the anxiety.
  2. I’m not a fan of hooking up even though I’ve done it many times. Hooking up is especially anxiety-inducing. I’ve had many one-night stands and while some were better than others, the experiences left me unsatisfied overall. I also don’t enjoy spending the night at other people’s houses or having people I don’t know very well stay the night in my bed. The inevitable awkwardness of figuring out what happens after the deed is done is another stressor I don’t particularly enjoy.
  3. Most of my long-term relationships haven’t involved much sex. I’ve had a few long-term relationships, all of them with women, but for various reasons, they didn’t involve a lot of sex. One of these relationships was long distance, one didn’t last too long, and the other involved a woman who was still figuring out her sexuality. I did enjoy having sex a in a relationship more, but even then, I’ve never had a sexual relationship that I find intimately fulfilling in any way.
  4. I generally have a hard time getting off regardless of my partner’s gender. I struggle with anxiety in my life in general, and I’ve never been a very relaxed person. My friends and family often even tease me about being tightly wound. While I can get off easily on my own when I masturbate, I have a much harder time getting off with a partner. While I feel turned on, I find it hard to let go and I often end up feeling over it before I’ve had an orgasm.
  5. I wonder if I just need to be in a longer relationship so I can feel comfortable. While I have no ethical or moral objection to casual sex and even wish I could enjoy it more, the older I get, the more I realize it’s probably not for me. In a long-term relationship with more of a focus on sex and being physical, I think I could grow more comfortable.
  6. I’m not even sure I want to be in a relationship, which further complicates my feelings. I recently moved across the country and am trying to figure out many aspects of my life such as career, friends, and long-term goals. The energy that would need to be expended into a romantic relationship sounds like too much for me right now, so I don’t think it’s a good choice.
  7. My mental health sometimes gets in the way. I have generalized anxiety disorder, which means I generally just stress about everything. This can make it hard for me to relax, and because of some past relationship trauma, I often go into anxiety overdrive when it comes to romantic and sexual encounters. Along with this, my anxiety medication can lower my sex drive, which isn’t an uncommon problem (nor is it one that particularly bothers me).
  8. I sometimes crave sex but I find the work that goes into it is rarely worth it. I won’t lie—there are still times when I miss sex. If it’s been several months, I start to get that itch and think maybe it’s time to find someone else to hook up with if a relationship isn’t going to happen. However, I often don’t bother because the amount of time that goes into meeting up or going out on dates can be exhausting. I tend to prefer close relationships, and going out to bars to meet strangers or using dating apps to chat drains my energy quickly. I often find I’d rather put my emotional energy into people already in my life.
  9. It’s hard for me to enjoy touch unless I’ve known my partner for a long time. I’m not a super touchy person. I’m not touch-averse and I’m fine to touch people I know well, but it generally takes me a long time to feel comfortable getting snuggly with a person. While I can enjoy a sexual encounter, my complicated relationship with touch makes pleasure harder to achieve. Overall, I find I am just as satisfied getting myself off.
Amanda is a queer woman living in NYC and a professional writer/storyteller. She loves poetry, TV, killer whales, activism, fandom, Captain America, and leather jackets. Amanda is passionate about sharing her experiences and hopes that other people can relate and connect to them.