Tired of feeling like the bad guy in every situation with a certain someone? The only way to get out is to decode the covert narcissist’s playbook so you know what you’re dealing with. It’s time to break free from their guilt trips, pity parties, and subtle digs designed to keep you under their control.
1. They play the “woe is me” card.
Covert narcissists have mastered the art of the pity party. They spin every single situation into a heartbreaking tale where they’re the perpetual victim. Listen for phrases like “everything always happens to me” or watch how minor inconveniences morph into epic tragedies in their retelling. Don’t get fooled by the dramatics.
2. They exaggerate or straight-up make up illnesses.
Suddenly, they’re experiencing every rare illness under the sun. Doctor visits become a badge of honor, and their social media feeds transform into medical bulletins. The problem? Often, these illnesses are either exaggerated or entirely fabricated. Be wary of constantly shifting symptoms and a lack of concrete medical evidence. They crave attention and control, and ill health is just another tool in their manipulative arsenal.
3. They come up with calculated sob stories.
They’ll hit you with a heart-wrenching story about a past trauma or a recent misfortune designed to elicit your deepest empathy. These sob stories often feel rehearsed and lack key details. They might cry on cue, but their tears are a performance, not a genuine expression of emotion. Their goal is to hook you with sympathy and then use that connection to exploit you later.
4. They weaponize their “vulnerability.”
Covert narcissists dangle vulnerability like bait. They might share a secret or personal struggle to create a false sense of intimacy, but don’t be fooled by this facade. Their “vulnerability” is calculated to gain your trust and make you feel obligated to reciprocate. The truth is, they have no interest in your vulnerabilities, and these secrets are likely carefully chosen to manipulate the way you see them or a certain situation.
5. They give fake apologies.
They say “sorry” a lot, but their apologies are empty, and they lack sincerity and accountability. There’s no effort to take responsibility or make amends for what they’ve done. Watch out for classics like “I’m sorry you feel that way” – it shifts the blame and makes you question your own perception. These apologies are a performance to appease you and avoid taking any real responsibility for their actions.
6. They guilt-trip you without hesitation.
They’re experts at laying on the guilt with a heavy hand. Every simple question turns into a plea or accusation: “Can’t you ever do anything right?” or “I guess my happiness doesn’t matter.” If you refuse to bend to their every whim, they’ll make you feel like you’ve failed them as a person. Resist the urge to fall into their emotional trap. You’re not responsible for their emotional well-being.
7. They have selective helplessness.
Suddenly, tasks they’ve handled perfectly well for years become impossibly difficult. But miraculously, this helplessness only seems to strike when there’s something they don’t want to do. This isn’t forgetfulness or incompetence – it’s calculated manipulation. They’ll play dumb to avoid responsibilities and get you to pick up their slack. Don’t get tricked into being their personal caretaker.
8. They minimize your feelings and play up their own.
Your feelings, concerns, and accomplishments are swiftly brushed aside, while theirs are front and center. Every conversation must focus on their emotions or needs. They’ll minimize your struggles and exaggerate their own to maintain the spotlight. It’s a frustrating game where your emotional well-being takes a back seat. Don’t get caught in their orbit – prioritize your own feelings too.
9. They always seem disappointed in you.
No matter what you do, it’s never good enough. They’re masters of setting unrealistic expectations and then making you feel less than for not achieving them. Phrases like “you could have tried harder” are their favorites. This tactic slowly chips away at your confidence and creates a sense of obligation to constantly please them. Don’t fall for their unattainable standards – your achievements are valid.
10. They flip the blame back on you.
Whenever something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They’re experts at twisting the narrative to make you question your own actions and feel responsible for their missteps. They might say things like, “If you hadn’t done this, that wouldn’t have happened.” This tactic keeps them above reproach and deflects accountability (or so they think!). Don’t let them rewrite reality – call their behavior for what it is.
11. They remind you of how much they “sacrifice” for you.
They constantly remind you of all the selfless things they’ve done for you, real or imagined. These “sacrifices” become emotional leverage that they use to guilt you into doing their bidding. The truth is, healthy relationships are about give and take, not keeping score. Don’t let them manipulate you with emotional blackmail.
12. They make underhanded comparisons.
They’ll subtly compare you to other people who “appreciate them more” and love to highlight your so-called shortcomings while exaggerating other people’s accomplishments. They might say things like, “Look at how successful Sarah is,” implying you’re somehow lacking. Their goal is to chip away at your self-esteem and make you feel inferior. Don’t fall for this trick. Recognize their manipulation and focus on your own unique strengths.
13. They act like their egos are fragile.
Their self-esteem is as fragile as a Fabergé egg. The slightest criticism or disagreement sends them reeling. They might withdraw, throw a tantrum, or guilt-trip you for daring to have a different opinion. Don’t let their emotional fragility control your behavior. Healthy relationships involve open communication, not walking on eggshells.
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