Suck It Up & Ask These 14 Deep Questions Early In A Relationship

Shouldn’t you know if the person you’re dating is on the same page as you before you’re together long-term? Skip the outdated advice about playing it cool and go ahead and ask these important relationship questions before anything gets too serious. Otherwise, you’re going into a relationship completely blind.

  1. Do you want kids? Yes, it needs to be asked early. Whether you want kids or not, this is a dealbreaker for many couples. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want what you want, because they’re not likely to change their mind. Find out now so you don’t have the kid argument later.
  2. Do you want a future together? Nothing pisses me off more than wasting time dating someone, only to find out they never wanted anything more than a casual relationship. Being together for a year or two doesn’t mean the person you’re with wants a future together, so it’s worth clarifying.
  3. What things won’t you compromise on? Some people have ridiculous standards and refuse to compromise. For instance, what if your partner would dump you if you gained 20 pounds? Maybe they’re only willing to do five sex positions or hate oral. Whatever it is, learn their limits now and see if those are dealbreakers for you.
  4. Will your parents and friends be a problem? Usually this isn’t a question you think about until a parent or friend starts causing problems. Shouldn’t you know whether the person you’re dating would stand up for you? If their mom or best friend hates you, would they stay with you or leave?
  5. What are your top priorities? I shouldn’t have to spell it out, but if you’re not one of those priorities, don’t even waste your time. You, family, friends, a career, a dream — those are all great priorities. Most importantly, see if their priorities line up with yours.
  6. What are your views on women? Dating you doesn’t mean a guy respects women. He could just want a regular booty call. If he doesn’t see you as equal or thinks barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is your role, find out early so you can dump him if his views are more 1800s than 2000s.
  7. How important is sex to you? Differences in sex drive or sexual preferences can tear a relationship apart. It’s not a comfortable question to ask, but it’s necessary. Ask them how important it is, how often they have to have it, and what things they definitely would never do.
  8. What are your religious and political viewsAsk these relationship questions as early as the second date. If you can’t agree on religion and politics, the relationship is probably doomed anyway. Anyone who’s too passionate about either isn’t going to just agree to disagree.
  9. Do independent women scare you? Sometimes it’s hard to see how independent you are until you’ve been together with someone for a few months. Find out now if your independent nature could scare your partner off. It kind of goes hand in hand with respecting women.
  10. What do you want from your own life? Do you really want to date a man-child? No. You’re a grown woman who has better things to do than raise the guy you’re dating. Ask about their goals and dreams and how they plan to achieve those goals. It’s a good way to see if the person is a hot mess or actually has their life together.
  11. What are your deal breakersSomething as simple as being a Democrat over Republican could be a dealbreaker. Ask this question right now, even on a first date. What if you love meat, but your date is a vegan? Ordering steak in front of them could be the ultimate deal-breaker.
  12. How do you handle fights? Would your partner throw things, yell or cool off and then talk about it? Everyone’s fighting style is different. Make sure there’s something you can handle. You definitely don’t want someone who’ll run over the first major fight.
  13. What are your prejudices? It’s another question you’d probably rather die than ask, especially early on. Still, wouldn’t you like to know if you’re dating an a-hole that hates specific genders, races, or nationalities?
  14. How is your financial situationNo one really wants to ask or be asked this question. It’s also the only question you can wait on, at least a little while. The moment things start to get serious, it’s time to ask. After all, if you’re looking at a future together, you need to know if you’re both financially able to support each other and buy things like a house.

Why it’s so important to ask these relationship questions early

You might think it’s better to wait until these subjects come up naturally, but here’s why that would be a big mistake.

  1. You don’t want to waste your time. This is the biggest, most important reason to get these relationship questions out in the open as soon as possible. It’s not that you’re in a hurry to be in a relationship, but you also have a busy life and a lot of goals to achieve and you don’t have time to waste. The easiest way to assure you’re making the most of your time is by finding out quickly if your date is on the same page as you. If not, you’re free to walk away.
  2. You don’t want to waste their time. It’s not all about you. You don’t want to take up anyone else’s valuable time when things just aren’t right either. If your views on some of the bigger issues (or even some of the smaller ones!) aren’t in sync and there’s no long-term compatibility, they should have to find the opportunity to find someone more on their level too. It’s the only decent thing.
  3. You want to know what you’re in for. The answers to these relationship questions will help give you a picture of what a relationship would be like with this person. If there are smaller issues you don’t see eye to eye on, it’s possible that you could overlook that and still be harmoniously in love. However, if you’re on completely different pages when it comes to the big stuff like kids or finances, you can pretty much guarantee that a relationship with them would be a walking disaster and end very badly.
  4. You weed out the bad ones this way. So many people can seem incredibly charming at first, only to reveal their true colors once you get to know who they really are below the surface. By asking some hard-hitting questions that require serious thought to answer, you get a deeper picture of how they operate. You may find that there are some serious red flags there that you didn’t notice at first but now you see them, there’s no going back. Weed out the people who just aren’t worth it and save your sanity.
  5. It helps cement your deal-breakers. Maybe your date feels totally different than you when it comes to where you want to live in 10 years. You might have gone into things thinking that there’s no way you could ever compromise on that and be happy. However, the more you get to know the other person and the more you enjoy your time with them, the more you realize that where you live isn’t as important as who you’re living somewhere with. On the other hand, you might just cement your deal-breakers and realize that you were right, there’s no budging on certain things in your life.

When is the right time to ask these relationship questions?

There’s not one correct answer here, but there are some things to consider before you bring it up.

  1. These aren’t really appropriate for the first date. As tempting as it is to really go for it and come out of the gate strong, please don’t ask these relationship questions on a first date. You barely know the person (if at all) and you really should be making small talk before you start asking them about their life’s ambitions. Take a deep breath and pace yourself. There will be time to find out the things you want to know.
  2. By the third date or so, you should be good to go. After you’ve been out a few times, you should be ready to transition into a somewhat deeper stage of your relationship. You’re not a proper couple yet probably, but you do know you like one another enough to keep seeing each other, so there’s clearly an interest in exploring a real relationship together.
  3. Don’t wait too long. If the third date seems a bit too early and you do want to wait and feel things out a bit longer before broaching the big topics, that’s up to you. However, don’t wait too long or you run the risk of a major disaster if you suddenly realize that everything you want in life is something they’re vehemently against or vice versa. Pluck up the courage and find out where they stand. You’ll be glad you did.
Crystal Crowder is a freelance writer and blogger. She's a tech geek at heart, but loves telling it like it is when it comes to love, beauty and style. She's enjoys writing music, poetry and fiction and curling up with a great book. You can find her on Twitter @ccrowderwrites or check out her other writing on Medium.