There’s nothing worse than feeling totally in the mood… and then being instantly turned off by something a guy does either on our way to the bedroom, or during the deed itself. We get it — you want sex. So do we, but sometimes the way you go about it is pathetic and totally gross.
- The head push. There are ZERO things that are sexy about pushing our head down to hint to the fact that you want a blow job. There are other, less pushy ways to suggest you want one that are a billion times better than forcing our heads down. We’re not the blow up doll you ordered online; we’re grown, functional women who can navigate our way down there ourselves if we want. Instead, try using actual words to ask in between passionately kissing us or going down on us first. We’ll want to reciprocate.
- The helicopter penis. It’s rare, but unfortunately, it happens. We’re just sitting there on the couch, minding our own business, when suddenly — BAM! — a flaccid penis is waving in our faces. I’m not sure what goes through the male brain to make you think that flapping your penis around is going to get us into the mood to strip down, but you’re completely hallucinating. Try harder. Pun intended.
- Rude, online sex-like commands. Look, we’re not the chicks you’ve seen on P*rnHub. We don’t all want to be called a “filthy whore” and a “dirty bitch.” This isn’t a turn on; it’s just plain rude. Unless we’re roleplaying or have made it abundantly clear that we’re in to that sort of thing, name calling and vulgar mood setting is generally not what’s going to get us into bed with you.
- Whining and begging. Seriously, stop with the complaining. Guilting and nagging us about how long it’s been for you, or how much you need to have sex with us, isn’t sexy at all. In fact, it makes you look like a child. It’s also the fastest way to ensure you don’t get it — even if we were in the mood. Instead, try complimenting us and putting affection into our relationship in other ways. Women are pretty simple when it comes to sex; make us feel beautiful and cared for, and we’ll want to jump your bones.
- Unsolicited penis pictures. No woman has ever received an unsolicited penis pictures and been like, “Oh my gosh, WOW. I must have sex with that immediately!” It’s just never happened, so you all need to stop living in a fantasy… and maybe taking pictures of your penises altogether.
- Whipping it out without warning or effort. Similar to the helicopter penis, it’s not hot when you say to your girlfriend, “Hey babe, look at this” and whip your penis out. She’s not impressed. She thinks you’re an idiot.
- Air thrusting. Imitating humping motions to signal sex doesn’t make us any more in the mood to want to have sex. If anything, you look like our nerdy uncle trying to resuscitate dance moves from the ’70s. Stop it.
- No foreplay whatsoever. Unless it’s an incredibly sexy, spur of the moment act of passion where we’re both rightfully turned on without it, foreplay is a must. The vagina doesn’t work like a penis; it doesn’t get wet often from a slight gust of the wind. We need to be actually aroused. Work a little. Be creative. You’re an adult — act like one.
- Continued pursuit after we’ve said we’re not in the mood. If you’ve done any of the above things or we’ve just plainly told you we’re not feeling it, please, don’t keep pestering us over and over. Go back to the drawing board and try again later.