While everyone knows that lying is not something you should do, many of us assume that telling little white lies is relatively harmless and not a big deal. But is that really the case? Here’s the truth about these “fibs” and how to recognize them in the wild, according to experts.
What are white lies?
Psychologist, sex therapist, and relationship advisor Barbara Santini tells Newsweek that white lies are simply statements that are false that people use to get out of trouble or to avoid hurting people. “[It’s] a harmless lie from a psychologist’s standpoint,” she explains. “We mostly tell the white lie to help others without fearing for our well-being. The tune is different with ‘standard’ lies, where the goal is to benefit ourselves.”
At their essence, white lies are “motivated by altruism,” adds SupportRoom therapist and University of KwaZulu-Natal lecturer Dr. Candice Jimmyns. “White lies are commonly viewed as an innocuous means to a perceived beneficial outcome for others with a possible self-sacrifice on the teller’s part,” she explains.
How to recognize white lies
- It’s in their body language. If you want to know if someone is telling you a white lie, you should pay attention to their facial expressions as well as their tone of voice. Oftentimes, someone’s words can be saying one thing and their face and/or tone of voice can be telling an entirely different story. “If a person is telling a white lie, they are more likely to use a higher or lower tone,” Santini suggested. She added that sentence structure matters too — someone telling a white lie is likely to talk faster or slower.
- That being said, you shouldn’t overthink it. Since white lies are generally pretty innocuous and not something the teller needs to feel guilty about, they’re not always very easy to spot. “There are some people who are well versed in telling white lies, likely because it was modeled to them growing up and it is a familiar coping strategy. So in that sense, you wouldn’t necessarily observe anything,” says Dr. Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic in London.
- Don’t assume that someone who tells white lies is a pathological liar. Lying about major things like cheating, addiction, or other big life matters is completely different than failing to tell you if a friend talked negatively about you or something relatively harmless. Therefore, you shouldn’t assume a person well-versed in white lies is a pathological liar capable of telling larger falsehoods. “The underlying vulnerabilities are usually radically different and so it wouldn’t be a natural progression,” Touroni insists. “A pathological liar is usually someone who deliberately tries to create a different version of their life for other people.”
