I’m No Longer Emotionally Available & NOW Guys Want To Date Me — WTF?

I used to sacrifice myself for guys, deal with things no woman should have to deal with, and basically do 99 percent of the work in a relationship. Unfortunately, they didn’t appreciate what they had, and eventually, I stopped seeking love and became closed off to it. Funny enough, that’s when guys actually started offering me all the things I’d been looking for all those years. There’s only one problem: I no longer can see them as worthy of attention, love, or commitment.

  1. If they were to have acted this way when I actually wanted a relationship, they could have had me. Deep down inside, this has turned into a matter of “too little, too late” for me. Believe me, I’ve gotten plenty of stupid apology notes, romantic gifts, sweet nothings and all the other good stuff I wanted for years. The problem is that I no longer want to bother with love at all. That window of time where I gave a damn closed.
  2. Sadly, none of this means anything to me anymore. Experiencing this belated love interest is like getting that toy you desperately wanted for Christmas when you were five years old… but at 50 instead. While I would’ve been ecstatic back in the day, nowadays it means nothing.
  3. I’ve come to the conclusion that the cost of a relationship outweighs the benefits. Not only is the “gift” of a relationship and love something that no longer means anything valuable to me, but I’ve started to view it as a white elephant. Relationships and dates are expensive in time, money, and opportunity. Unfortunately, nothing a guy could give me in a relationship is worth it anymore.
  4. I don’t believe men would give me what I want if I gave them a chance. I’m sorry, but short of a wedding ring appearing in front of me, I’m not buying the idea that guys have suddenly realized my worth. Who’s to say that they aren’t just blowing hot air in hopes of getting laid, being pampered, or just getting bragging rights about dating me? Why should I believe after all I’ve gone through that guys will do right by me?
  5. I can’t help but wonder where these wonderful, emotionally ready bachelors were when I wanted them. Oh yeah, that’s right. I knew most of them. They just didn’t care when I wanted a relationship. Yeah, this isn’t how this works. Since men weren’t there when I needed them and wanted them, I have zero desire to have them around when they’re now an option.
  6. There are only so many times you can lose everything you work for until you walk away for good. This is what it boils down to for me. Love has been a game that has always ended in loss for me. I’ve lost my home, time with relatives, and career opportunities in the name of “love.” As much as people tell me I should just believe in love or give a guy a shot, there are only so many times I can drink that Kool-Aid.
  7. To a point, I get a smug satisfaction out of turning guys down now. I’m only starting to get to my best version of myself. Meanwhile, a lot of guys who chase after me are duds. I have my act together. They, on the other hand, are usually falling apart at the seams. Now they’ve realized they suddenly want a relationship but it’s too late. For me, this is both a hilarious and satisfying thing to see.
  8. I’m not sure I can feel love anymore. Love’s turned into something ugly for me. These days, anytime I feel warm fuzzies for anyone, I begin to panic and get disgusted with that person. I started to see people who feel love as weak, gross, or as plotting some ulterior way of hurting me. Last time a guy declared feelings for me, I jerked away as if he was about to hit me. It’s almost Pavlovian for me. Even if I wanted to fall in love, I’m worried that there’s nothing there inside me anymore.
  9. Guys can call me bitter and hateful all they want, but the fact remains that they’re the reason I am this way. And once again, I’m 100 percent okay with this. There’s only so much you can take before feelings stop running. I’ve learned to love the shallow feelings and experiences I get with men these days. I get to use them as a cheap distraction, and I think that’s what they really want.
  10. I’ve wished guys could prove me wrong but I’ve accepted it to be a pipe dream. To be honest, no relationship I’d have would be healthy at this point. It’d be a straight uphill battle for guys to prove to me that they’re capable of love. The burden of proof is too heavy for any sane man to undertake, and I understand that.
  11. All in all, I realized I deserve more than I got. This is what it boils down to. I didn’t deserve having my heart stepped on and ripped out by guys. I also didn’t deserve the abuse, the stalking, or the using. When it all comes down to it, I deserve so much more than what guys are capable of giving me, so while the thought of them being interested is nice, I don’t see it as an opportunity anymore.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a New Jersey based writer and editor with bylines in Mashed, Newsbreak, Good Men Project, YourTango, and many more. She’s also the author of a safe travel guide for LGBTQIA+ people available on Amazon.

She regularly writes on her popular Medium page and posts on TikTok and Instagram @ossianamakescontent.