10 Things That Happen When You Want A Relationship But Hate Dating

Healthy long-term relationships don’t just grow on trees — they’re a work in progress and they all have to start somewhere. Usually, that’s with a first date, a second one, and so on. Sounds like a pain in the butt, right? It’s supposed to be fun, but it’s really the exact opposite when you just want to be in a relationship already. Here’s what happens when you hate dating and just want to be someone’s girlfriend already.

  1. You make online dating profiles, then forget they exist. You start out with good intentions of putting yourself out there and doing the online dating thing like everyone else. But after that first rush of initial messages — which are mostly garbage, anyway — you go back to living the single life as if you never signed up for OKCupid (and Tinder) at all.
  2. You cancel first dates a lot. Logically, you know you have to go on dates if you’re ever going to meet someone you want to be in a relationship with. But the fact remains that you despise going on dates, especially first dates, so if an excuse to cancel one exists, you’ve used it.
  3. You have extreme first date anxiety. Going on a date isn’t your idea of a good time. If you don’t cancel, you’ll spend the few hours leading up to it being so nervous, you can barely focus on anything else. Then when you’re actually on the date, you’re just counting the seconds until you can go home and forget it happened at all.
  4. You try to rush things. So you’ve gotten the first and second dates out of the way and everything seems good. What are you waiting for? Let’s make it official already! Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work that way. That’s probably a good thing, though, because realistically, a couple dates don’t mean that you know a guy well enough to start calling him your boyfriend.
  5. You have no chill when you like someone. It’s not as if a guy you actually see yourself getting serious with comes around every day, so when one does, you aren’t very good at hiding it. You probably over-text, want to hang out too much, and start talking about the future too seriously, therefore scaring your potential love interest away.
  6. You’re way too tempted to date people you’ve already dated. Since the getting-to-know-you phase of dating is incredibly tedious for you, it seems a lot more efficient to just rekindle a past relationship than start from scratch. Unfortunately, that means you’re just dating your own leftovers, and that’s not as foolproof as you’d like to think.
  7. You ignore red flags. Once you’ve put in a decent amount of work to get a relationship going, you really don’t want to throw it all away because of a couple so-called “red flags.” So what if he still talks to his ex and gets his mom to do his laundry? Everyone has flaws, right? The truth is, you’ll put up with just about anything to avoid going back to square one.
  8. If you’re dating, you’re doing it with a purpose. A lot of us will casually date, not really looking for anything specific just because it’s something to do. But if you’re making the effort to meet a guy for drinks, you’re going to have expectations. If you didn’t want to find something serious, you wouldn’t bother dating at all.
  9. You get easily discouraged. The main reason you hate dating is because going on dates that lead nowhere seems like a huge waste of time. If you have a bad first date, you aren’t the type to eagerly set up another one with someone else– instead, you’d rather stay home and marathon the Gilmore Girls reboot for the third time. Because even that feels more productive.
  10. You don’t put in the effort. You might whine to your friends that you hate being single and why can’t you just find a great guy and fall in love, already? They’re constantly reminding you that if you want to meet someone, you have to put yourself out there. Life isn’t a romantic comedy and the perfect guy isn’t going to appear in front of you like magic.

Why you shouldn’t feel bad if you really hate dating

  1. Everybody hates dating. Just putting the truth out there. Your relationship friends are thrilled they don’t have to date anymore. Your single friends who put on a brave face get tired of the chase sometimes. There’s a reason you need to take a break from dating every once in a while.
  2. Modern dating is complicated. From ghosting to ignored text messages to creepy 24/7 texters, dating these days is absolutely ridiculous. It makes zero sense, it’s confusing and it’s enough to give you a massive headache. So of course you’re not a big fan. You would be kind of weird if you liked all this.
  3. You’re not unstable. Hopefully, at least. Only a person without any feelings or compassion would enjoy the process of meeting new people and having to let them down because you don’t want a second date. Or, on the flip side, being rejected. It’s totally logical that you wouldn’t enjoy any of this.
  4. It’s hard to get your hopes up. Whether you’ve been hurt only once or about 100 times, it’s difficult to approach dating with a sense of excitement and optimism. You don’t want to get disappointed yet again or have things fizzle out super fast. That down-in-the-dumps kind of feeling is difficult to shake.
  5. Some people never date. There are lots of single people out there who don’t feel dating is a priority at this point in their life. Or there are people who have been in a serious relationship since high school or college and so there have nothing to do with the art of dating. You should be proud that you’re doing something that is really difficult and not for the faint of heart.
  6. It feels like a joke sometimes. You’re not sure if the joke’s on you or the other person you happen to be dealing with at the moment. Life seems to always get in the way. You show up to a first date with a swollen lip thanks to an epic cold (this has actually happened to me twice). The restaurant is closed when you show up for dinner. And on and on. What’s to love about something that feels so out of your control?
  7. It’s hard to stop the comparison game. You know the one: you compare every new guy you meet to your ex-boyfriend or even the last guy you went out with that you liked. You can’t help it but it makes things a lot more frustrating.
  8. Dating is anything but peaceful. Going on a weird, creepy or boring date (or all three – yikes) can feel like a nightmare designed especially for you. You want your life to be chill and calm and yet dating will always mess it up. You wonder if it’s even worth it. It is but you don’t always believe that.
  9. Your end goal is to stop forever. It’s kind of comical that you want a relationship and never, ever want to go on a bad date again. Clearly something’s wrong with the not-so-wonderful world of dating if everyone is desperately hoping to escape.
  10. You won’t always feel this way. Sometime – hopefully soon – you’ll be sitting in a bar, staring at someone who you feel like you’ve known forever. You’ll laugh and chat and wish and dream and hope. And yes, you’ll still hate dating – but you’ll be so glad that you didn’t give up.

Why you shouldn’t give up just yet

  1. It’s worth it — or at least it will be in the end. Giving up something means admitting that it’s not worth putting your time and energy into. You’ve said no to running and dumped lots of toxic friends, but dating is still worth it, even if it doesn’t feel that way 24/7. You can still meet new people and try your best to find a good guy. Like anything else, it’s got its low moments and its high points.
  2. It’s not your fault. Why do you need to give up the search for love when it really has nothing to do with you? Love has its own ideas and it likes to show up exactly when it wants to. It’s not your fault that you haven’t found it yet. It’s just bad luck, bad timing and not meeting the right person yet.
  3. You want to move forward. If you stopped today because you hate dating, you would gain nothing and lose everything. You would lose the chance to fall in love for real and to share your life with someone else. You would be saying the status quo is totally okay and that you don’t need or want anything more. But, you do, so don’t stop.
  4. You’ve figured it out. You know the usual excuses guys give for not being able to date and how to read between the lines of messages. You know what immaturity looks like and how to text properly. You’ve figured this whole thing out, so you might as well use what you’ve learned and keep dating.
  5. You know you’re not the only one going through this. You’re not the only single girl in your life. Your best friends are flying solo, too, and if they can keep up with the search for love, so can you. You’re not any different from them, and it’s kind of comforting to be experiencing the same things (for better or for worse… usually for worse, but that’s okay).
  6. You know better than to let the bad stuff get you down anymore. You don’t take guys seriously until they prove to you that they’re legit. You don’t cry over ghosting or wonder why a date didn’t go super well. You’re strong enough to take all this and know it’s just part of the whole deal. So, why give up when these things don’t even bother you?
  7. You should actually be enjoying the journey. You wouldn’t be who you are if you’d met your future husband back in college or if you’d never been without a boyfriend. Your single days have taught you more lessons than anything else, and deep down, you probably even like the journey that you’ve been on. You’ve learned not to take a day for granted and to persevere. Those things can help you find love no matter how much you hate dating.
  8. You’d rather stay positive, right? When you’ve had other struggles, whether work-related or friendship drama, you haven’t quit. You have to choose to stay positive abut everything in your life, and that definitely includes dating. It’s so much more fun than being in a bad mood all the time just because you don’t have a boyfriend. How corny would that be?
  9. You always keep going. You’ve taken as many dating breaks as the next girl, and you know they have their value and place. And yet, something brings you back every single time. Something pushes you to keep going, to keep trying, and to think that stopping is never, ever an option. That must be true.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.