It can be all too easy to find yourself in a relationship where you’re stuck doing all the emotional heavy lifting. I’ll always remember the brutal agony I felt when I fell for someone who just couldn’t and wouldn’t love me back. It is one of the most frustrating experiences of my life and it cost me too damn much. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
They make you doubt your sanity.
An emotionally unavailable person will play hide and seek with your feelings until you can’t even tell what’s real from what’s not. You’ll be gaslighted into thinking it’s not such a big deal that they can’t give you what you want. One minute they’re open, forthcoming, and affectionate; the next, there’s a huge wall around that that you can’t breach.
They take and take and give nothing back to you.
A lot of the time, you end up thinking that showering them with love will make them care more about you. However, the truth is you can’t love a person into loving you back. You shouldn’t have to fight to get the bare minimum. Dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable is like a scavenger hunt. You think that if you can just find where the clues are hidden, you will finally win their love.
You end up feeling like you’re not good enough.
I used to think that it was my fault that my ex couldn’t love me the way I wanted. If I could just understand and give him time, he’d come around. Why am I not interesting enough, pretty enough, smart enough to hold his attention? It took months of going to therapy to dig myself back out of that hole of unworthiness.
They leave you feeling deeply unhappy
. Loving someone is work. Loving someone who is unable to reciprocate is exhausting and frustrating work. You’re always feeling dejected, angry, tired, and sad because you can’t get them to fulfill your needs.
They give ghosting a whole new meaning.
Seriously, nobody can pull a disappearing act better than an emotionally unavailable person. They will just completely go off the radar and suddenly reappear weeks later like nothing happened. There’s always a BS excuse too: They were “too busy.” Life got on top of them. They just “run away when life gets too crazy to deal with.”
You lose your sense of self.
The relationship starts to revolve around the other person and what they want, while you’re just going along with everything because you just want to make them happy so they can love you. Everything happens only when they’re ready, on their own time. It’s a big eff you to you and your feelings.
Your emotions are constantly in a confused state.
Get ready to be manipulated into the afterlife. The thing about dating an emotionally unavailable person is that there are actually some good moments. Sometimes they shower you with affection and are present when you need them, then it all dries up. My ex used to always tell me he loved me even though he couldn’t always show it. This kept me putting up with his rubbish longer than I should have.
Hope becomes a dangerous thing.
The most destructive part of being in such a relationship is holding out hope that any moment now they’ll overcome their emotional unavailability and give you everything you’ve ever wanted. Most of the time, those wishes never come true. You’ll keep making excuses for why things are the way they are. You think if you just have a bit more patience, he’ll finally become available.
The blame game and pity party never ends.
Even though you’re the person who is not getting what they want out of the relationship, you end up treating the emotionally unavailable person as the victim. It’s not that they’re incapable of love, they just can’t deal right now or they’re trying really hard to be better. You hold yourself responsible for their inability to reciprocate your affections, but the problem is with them.
You end up hating yourself for staying.
You know that the relationship sucks and you’re hurting, but you still stick around hoping for a change that’s not coming. Soon, resentment starts to build up and you can’t help but hate yourself for putting up with their crap for so long. You’re mad because you ignored your instincts. You knew how it was going to end but you kept loving them anyway and now here you are at the end, wishing you had had the good sense to end things sooner.
Walking away fills you with guilt.
When you arrive at the end, when you know that you just can’t take it any longer, you still find yourself wondering if leaving is the best thing to do. A part of you still thinks that you can change him, that given a little more time he’ll snap out of it and realize you’re the best thing he’s ever had. Most of all, you feel rotten for giving up on them.
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