To All Those Entitled Guys Who Want Girlfriend Perks Without Commitment

Not all relationships are black and white, but the worst is when you’re forced into the gray zone against your will. It sucks to be involved with a guy who expects you to act like his girlfriend while refusing to be your boyfriend. I’d never expect a guy to jump headfirst into a relationship right off the bat, but whenever I find myself in a not-relationship with a guy who wants me to commit without offering the same in return, I just want to scream these things at him:

  1. Your sense of entitlement is impressive. Were your parents the ones who taught you that you could get whatever you want without having to make any sacrifices for it? Or did you just decide that’s how you wanted to live your life once you hit adulthood? Either way, it’s uncommon to meet someone who thinks so highly of himself that he believes he can have it all without worrying about giving back to the other person involved.
  2. I might be cheap, but I’m not free. Look, I’m pretty easygoing. I don’t need flowers every Sunday, I don’t need cute “good morning” texts waiting for me when I wake up, and I’m not the type to beg you to put a ring on my finger. As far as girlfriends go, I’m a pretty easy one to keep happy, but I do need to know you’re not going to be running around on me while whipping out the “I said we weren’t official” excuse. Commitment is a small thing to ask for when it comes to these kinds of relationships, and if you can’t even give me that, good luck finding someone who’s more chill than I am.
  3. What are you so afraid of, anyway? If we’re basically already official as it is, what’s holding you back from making it the real deal? If you’re afraid of being “trapped” in a relationship, trust me — I’m not the type to lock you in a cage in my basement. You’re free to go whenever you want, really, but during the time you’re with me, you need to commit. If you decide it’s not worth it and you want to sleep with other people, cool, but you better believe I won’t be sticking around for it.
  4. I’m after men, not boys. I’m over the immature BS of guys who can’t figure out what they want and straddle the line between relationship and FWB. You’re a grown human being, and it’s time to act like one. If you don’t want commitment, cool, but don’t expect me to be your one-sided girlfriend while you mess around continuing to live the “single life.” Pick one or the other, or I’m going to lose patience really quick and make the decision for you.
  5. GTFO with your double standards. So let me get this straight: you can tell everyone that you’re “not seeing anyone” and keep chatting up other women on Tinder, but if I do it, it’s not cool? That’s not how this works, dude. If you want to keep seeing other people, great, but then you can’t expect me to be a one-man woman. If you’re down to commit, then so am I, but until then, we’re both going to be on the same level of this non-relationship.
  6. If you want to be “just friends,” I’m going to treat you like a “just friend.” If you want to be all “We’re not a couple,” that’s fine. But you’d better not expect me to treat you like we’re a couple. I’m not going to do all the cute girlfriend-y things for someone who isn’t my boyfriend, so if you’re looking for someone who lets you stay over from Friday to Monday, cooks for you, and whispers sweet nothings into your ear, you’re going to have to look elsewhere if you don’t want to be her boyfriend. Until then, you’re getting treated just like any other friend-with-benefits.
  7. I’m not the kind of girl who falls for this crap. Maybe you could pull this stunt off with a more naive girl, but it’s not going to work on me. I’ve been through this BS before, and by now, I’m wise to it. I know that your “maybe soon” means “never” and that your “reasons” are really just excuses. You’re never going to commit to me, and while some girls might go on believing your wishy-washy promises, I won’t.
  8. You’ve already shown me that you have one foot out the door. Let’s say you finally do decide you want something real with me, just for the sake of the argument. What happens next? Am I ever going to be truly comfortable in that relationship knowing that I had to CONVINCE you to take that step? Probably not. Your nearly endless hesitation has shown me that this isn’t really what you want, and by the time you decide that I really am worth committing to, I’ll have already decided that this isn’t something worth continuing.
  9. “Eventually” is not a valid timeframe. If you say that you still need another month of casual dating before you decide if you want to make things official or not, that’s fine. Hell, even if you decide you need a whole year before giving up the single life, I respect that a lot more than a guy who says that he’ll “eventually” ask me to be his girlfriend. Keeping me hanging onto some arbitrary timeline while I continue to treat you like my boyfriend isn’t just rude — it’s cruel. If you can’t even commit to an approximate timeframe, you’re never going to commit to the person who’s willing to wait however long it takes to truly be your girlfriend.
  10. I’m not clingy for wanting commitment. People act as though wanting a real relationship makes you a stage-five clinger, but no, it doesn’t. I just want to know that you’re going to be putting forth the same effort that I am, including turning down hot people who ask for my number and doing all the cute relationship stuff that boyfriends and girlfriends do. I’m the type of woman who loves doing that stuff, and if it’s been a while and you still don’t hold yourself to the same standards, I’m not an idiot for not wanting to be kept hanging by a thread.
  11. You’re going to hate yourself when you inevitably lose me. I’m not a pushover, but I do have a lot of patience. I understand if you want to wait a bit before making us the real deal, and I’m still going to treat you right until that happens. But wait too long or try to take advantage of me, and that patience is going to disappear in the blink of an eye. Once I get sick of your crap and leave, you’re going to be kicking yourself when you realize what you lost. I may not be perfect, but I’m still a catch, and you can bet you’re going to regret letting me go just because you couldn’t commit to me.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu blue belt. She's currently hanging out in Costa Rica with her cat and a lot of really big bugs.