I Refuse To Be The Chilled, Easygoing Girlfriend Again — I Always Just End Up Miserable

I’ve tried so hard to be the “cool,”  easygoing girlfriend. You know the kind — she’s always laughing in pictures, confident AF, and guys love her because she’s just so easy to talk to and chilled all the time. But guess what? She’s not real. I learned this the hard way.

  1. I won’t lower my relationship expectations. Here’s the truth—what many men love about chilled, easygoing women is that they don’t have expectations. They go with the flow. I’m definitely not that kind of woman. I have expectations and needs and I won’t sacrifice them just to be liked. The right guy will like me for them and rise to meet them.
  2. Nice girls get taken advantage of. I’ve been a nice girl—sometimes too much of a nice girl for my own good—and it’s always come back to bite me in the butt. Loads of guys tend to take advantage of nice girls because they’re so willing to accommodate them, help them and offer service with a smile. It’s BS.
  3. I’m tired of putting up with so much BS. All the times I’ve tried to be that girl, I’ve been screwed over. Why? Because men think the nice, chilled girl is actually going to open her door to them and take on all their BS. Sadly, they were right because that’s exactly what I did, only to eventually realize I needed to step up and put my bitch face on once in a while.
  4. I can’t be easygoing forever. Guess what? I’m not always an easygoing person. Sometimes I’m really uptight and stressed or stuck in my own ways. If I try to be the easygoing woman from the beginning of a relationship, it’s a difficult thing to uphold. Sooner or later, the cracks will show. I’d rather be who I am right from the start so there are no nasty surprises.
  5. I’m tired of being what men want. I’ve spent too much time in the past worrying about what men want. I’ve read too many articles in women’s magazines claiming that men want the carefree, cool girl. Well, screw that. Now it’s time I worried more about who I want to be instead of what men think of me.
  6. I matter. There will be times in a relationship when I’ll have to stand up and speak out on issues or there’ll be times when something will piss me off. I don’t want to smile and pretend to be fine with everything. What’s the point of that? I’m not a robot—I’m a thinking, feeling person, and my thoughts and opinions matter. If a guy can’t handle them, he must get out of my life.
  7. I don’t need the stress of faking it. When I tried to be the cool, chilled woman who never had a problem, I was just fooling myself. Instead of dealing with relationship stress, I’d internalize that stress and it hurt me. I’m no relationship martyr. I’d rather express myself and deal with the consequences, perhaps even be called “crazy” instead of hurting myself because of stress. It’s not worth it. My health comes first.
  8. I refuse to swallow my feelings. If I felt strongly about the guy I was with, I wouldn’t express it out of fear of being judged or rejected. What a horrible, sad way to live! I’d rather say what I feel and risk being hurt so that I know where I stand. Nothing good ever comes from hiding real feelings.
  9. I’ve got no love for the losers. I wasted a lot of time with the wrong men trying to be the right woman for them. It was so messed up! These days, I’d rather be who I am instead of trying to get someone to like me. If they don’t like me with all my layers, quirks, and complexities, then they don’t deserve me anyway.
  10. Men weren’t getting the real me. Funnily enough, I was a loser too because I was hiding my real self. I wasn’t giving the men what they thought they were getting. I was like one of those shampoo ads that promise long, glossy locks when in reality the model’s wearing hair extensions that are fake AF. Men I dated were getting what they thought I was—the easygoing, chilled woman—but I was playing a role.
  11. I’d rather be hurt for who I am than loved for who I’m not. I’m tired of the BS and drama I’ve created for myself. I’d much rather just be who I am without any masks and either be loved or hated for it. At least I’ll be loved or hated for who I am. It doesn’t feel good being loved for the person I’m pretending to be.
  12. By not being myself, I’m sabotaging myself. A strange thing happened when I tried so hard to be what men wanted me to be. Instead of seeing how they’d treat the real me, I was seeing how they related to the “easygoing” facade I had going. This meant I wouldn’t get to see if the guys and I were truly compatible.
  13. I got called “crazy.” At first, I was cool and easygoing, but then after a while, the real me came out. She’s not a monster or anything, but just not always what men want. I’m outspoken and passionate, and I cut through the BS. Seeing this side to me is a shock to many guys I’ve dated and they end up thinking I’m nuts (and telling me so). To be fair, they must’ve been thinking, “Where the hell did the chilled woman go?”
  14. I won’t be walked over. My old self’s reaction to men wondering why I couldn’t be chilled anymore would be to try to be that woman all over again to keep them interested in me, but screw that. I refuse. I won’t be walked over or treated badly again by being too nice, accommodating, chilled, or carefree. I’d rather just be me—low-maintenance but not a pushover, with firm boundaries and high standards. If guys can’t deal with that, it’s their problem. Not mine.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.