When you’ve been single for a while, it’s easy to start feeling bad about yourself and questioning whether it’s your fault you’re alone. It’s not, but it’s also not always easy to remember that. If your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your (lack of) relationship status, here’s how to stop that from happening and start feeling good about yourself again.
1. Recognize and believe that you don’t need someone to complete you — you’re already whole.
It’s hard not to conflate your self-worth with your relationship status when you believe that you need to be coupled up in order to be a whole person. This idea that being in a romantic relationship somehow elevates your experience of being a human being is absurd and completely untrue. Not only that, but people who approach relationships this way — looking for “The One” to complete them — often end up miserable and alone when the partnership undoubtedly ends.
The truth is that when you do find someone (and you will!), you should already live an incredible life you built all on your own. As a result, your future partner will be the cherry on top of an already amazing cake rather than a pivotal ingredient you can’t bake without (a convoluted analogy but go with it).
2. Get a hobby.
This sounds a bit harsh — I’m not insinuating that you don’t have a life, but hey, if the shoe fits… — but it’s a really good suggestion. It’s hard to feel down about your relationship status (especially if that status is “horrifically alone with no end in sight”) when you have so many other things in your life that you’re passionate about and that you love doing. It doesn’t matter what this is — writing, painting, running, collecting stamps, fixing bikes, whatever — it just matters that you have things in your life that bring you joy and fulfillment.
What you’ll find is that the more you spend time doing things that make you happy, the less you fixate or base your worthiness in life on whether or not you have a romantic partner. There are so many more interesting and important things about you that your dating life may not be irrelevant, but it is a whole lot less important.
3. Banish your scarcity mindset around relationships.
This is a biggie, and it’s a total trap. The idea that there are no good people out there left to date and that all the ones you could possibly be interested in are already taken or wouldn’t reciprocate your feelings is total BS and deep down, you likely know it. However, when you let yourself wallow in your single status and your perceived lack of options in the dating world, you start to internalize it as a personal failure rather than luck of the draw. “If everyone else can find love, why can’t I?” I mean, you can and will, but not with that whiny attitude.
Here’s the thing: There are about 2.1 BILLION single people in the world. Yes, billion. Deluding yourself into thinking you’re out of options and that you’re the only one in your shoes isn’t just reductive, it’s ridiculous. Just because you haven’t found your person yet doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of finding them — it just hasn’t happened yet. It’s also important to note that confidence is attractive, so if you want to up your chances of coupling up, keep a firm grasp on your self-worth and don’t let go. (By the way, if you struggle with this, you need to check out our sister site, Sweetn. They use science to help you overhaul your own mind to revolutionize your love life. Visit them here.)
4. Don’t internalize dating rejection.
Admittedly, it does really suck when you develop feelings for someone and they don’t feel the same. There’s no use sugarcoating it and acting like it’s no big deal — it can seriously strike a blow to your confidence. However, when you have a health sense of self-esteem, you recognize that this is a minor setback and that it’s their loss. You don’t convince yourself that there’s something fundamentally flawed in you that made the other person not be into you. It doesn’t work like that.
You can’t force chemistry, and trying to will only end up in heartbreak (even more than you’re already feeling). Think of people who’ve shown interest in you in the past that you thought were nice but just didn’t see in a romantic light. It wasn’t personal, that spark just wasn’t there. So, why can’t the same be said in reverse? Think about it.
5. Don’t put all your eggs in the relationship basket.
By this I mean, don’t convince yourself that in order for your life to truly begin, you need to be in a relationship. When you have that mentality, it renders the amazing life you’re building now essentially meaningless since it doesn’t involve a romantic partner. It creates a hyper-focus on doing things you think will please other people rather than doing what pleases you (and that’s what life is really all about).
Build your self-esteem by setting and crushing goals, traveling the world, nurturing some amazing friendships, pursuing passions and hobbies… you get where I’m going with this. Your life is yours for the making and taking right now. And by developing resilience and love for independence, your self-esteem will skyrocket and your relationship status really won’t matter at all.
6. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
So what if Holly from high school married her long-time boyfriend, bought a house, and has three kids already while you’re mindlessly swiping on Hinge from your couch while wearing stained sweatpants? Her life isn’t yours (and you should probably be grateful for it, all things considered) and, as the old saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy.
There’s no bigger waste of time than sitting around envying what other people have and you don’t, or putting yourself down for not being on the level of the people you see on social media. Not only is what you see not real, even if it is, it’s only a tiny sliver of the story — they’re likely leaving out all the bad stuff. Instead, focus on the life you’re living and make it a good one.
7. Cut yourself some slack.
This is maybe the most important item on this list. Your self-esteem shouldn’t be affected by your relationship status, but you’re a human being and sometimes it’s going to happen. Of course, this should be temporary. You should have the self-awareness to recognize when you’re feeling like crap largely because you don’t have a partner and pull yourself back to reality by reminding yourself how amazing you truly are.
When you do feel down about being single, allow yourself a bit of space and time to feel that way. Consider why that feeling is cropping up and what you might be able to do to change it. Remind yourself of how amazing you are — yes, you are! — and give yourself a break. You’ll get there in the end.
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