When chatting to someone, you might focus on having an interesting conversation or sorting through whatever issues you’re dealing with, but are you slipping into toxic or negative phrases without realizing it? These could be bringing the mood, or other person, down. So, here are 13 phrases you should always avoid if you want to keep your conversations positive. Let people leave the chat feeling good instead of hating on you.
1. “You’re Wrong.”
You might tell the other person that you think they’re wrong about various things, like if your BF was wrong to flirt with another woman or if your friend was wrong about the criticism they dished you. But this immediately puts the other person on the defensive and makes it more difficult to talk to them about whatever’s on your mind.
2. “Whatever.”
Wow, nothing says you’ve checked out of a conversation like, “Whatever.” You might as well tell the other person that you’re not interested in what they have to say or you don’t have time for them. It can also make the other person feel like you’re being sulky or childish, leaving a bad taste in their mouth.
3. “Really?”
The person you’re chatting to tells you that they’ve got a new job or they’re going to pursue their dream, and you say, “Really?” While you might hope you sound excited for them, this phrase can come off as negative or sarcastic, like you don’t believe that they’re worthy of achieving their goals. Yikes! Rather ask a follow-up question about their news, so you come across as positive and empathetic.
4. “You Look Tired.”
Here’s a new rule: never comment on someone’s appearance! Okay? It doesn’t matter if you’re telling your bestie that she looks tired after she pulled an all-nighter, she doesn’t need to hear it. You might think you’re not saying anything negative, but no one wants to worry about their appearance when interacting with others. Rather ask her if she’s tired, to keep things positive.
5. “Calm Down.”
You’re chatting to someone and they’re getting flustered or angry about something. You might mean well to tell them to calm down, but seriously? You’re just making them more aggro or making them feel like you’re writing off their feelings. Rather stop and listen to what they’re trying to say underneath all that emotion.
6. “No Big Deal.”
Maybe your friend comes to you to vent about her relationship ending or your BF tells you that he’s upset about how you dissed him in front of his friend the previous night. If you don’t get the seriousness of the issue, you might say, “It’s no big deal.” Woah. You might as well tell them you don’t empathize with them at all, ’cause that’s what you’re basically saying.
7. “You Always…”
This is a negative phrase that tends to show up during a fight. You might be pissed off about the other person’s behavior and say, “You always leave the dirty dishes in the sink” or “You always act like a victim.” Here’s the thing: although you might be right about what’s upsetting you, the phrase “you always” feels like an attack. When expressing frustration, it’s more positive and constructive to use “I feel statements.”
8. “I’m Over This.”
Shutting down someone with “I’m over this” doesn’t do anyone any good. How are you supposed to resolve a relationship issue or empathize with someone if you’re so quick to tell them you want out of the conversation? Even if you’re feeling angry during an argument with your partner, telling them you’re done or over the situation just prolongs it.
9. “Obviously.”
While you might use the term “obviously” without meaning to be condescending, that’s exactly how it comes across. The person you’re chatting to will probably feel like you’re telling them they’re an idiot. For example, if you say, “Well, obviously, you should’ve left that toxic relationship” or “Obviously we’re not inviting our mutual friend.” Yikes.
10. “Did You Hear…”
While gossiping with someone can feel juicy and fun, it’s a no-go. It brings the conversation down and can be toxic. Chances are, the person you’re gossiping with will fear that you’re going to talk about them with someone else when they’re not around. Gossip always feels dirty and mean, so avoid it.
11. “You Were Too Good For Him/That.”
Although you want to make your bestie feel good about herself after a difficult breakup or when she’s been fired, telling her that she was “too good” for her ex or her lousy job could backfire. It feels negative because she might think, “Does that mean I have really bad taste?” or “Was I stupid to choose that for myself?” Eek! Rather offer a genuine compliment that feels more meaningful.
12. “No Offense, But…”
You might think that starting a sentence with, “No offense, but…” is a gentle way to criticize someone without hurting their feelings, but they’re going to ignore these three words and listen to what you say afterward. The person could likely feel that you’re being rude or about to rain on their parade. Wouldn’t you? Let’s not forget, what follows those words is usually offensive! SMH.
13. “Not This Again.”
Maybe your friend’s venting about her parents yet again, or you’re sick of your partner telling you that they’re feeling disrespected in the relationship. You might express frustration by saying something like, “Not this again!” but what does it help the situation? Clearly, the person who’s talking to you has unresolved issues. Writing them off is rude and negative.
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