Life is too short to stress over players who string you along and send mixed signals. Here’s an idea: If he doesn’t treat you like a queen, then don’t treat him like a king. It’s time to stop caring about guys who clearly don’t care about you — here’s why and how to accomplish it.
Signs he doesn’t care about you
- He never asks you anything about yourself. You want to know all about how his day went, what his hobbies are, and what his childhood was like, but he doesn’t return the favor. He never asks you about yourself, and that’s because he’s not interested.
- He flirts with other women in front of your face. He might have gone to the bar with you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re the one he’ll be going home with. And even if you do leave together, things will be tense because he’ll have spent all night blatantly flirting with other women right where you could see.
- He doesn’t make an effort with your family and friends. If you’ve been dating long enough to have met each other’s circles, things should be considered serious enough for him to want to make a good impression on them. If that’s not the case, it’s because he doesn’t care about them because he doesn’t care about you.
- He makes decisions without consulting you. He’s already decided where you’re having dinner on Saturday night and that you’ll be wearing the black dress you got last weekend. Oh, and his buddy John is coming over tomorrow night to play video games and he said you’d make dinner. Uh, what? While you’d be happy to make concessions for him, the fact that you’re never consulted in his decision-making process speaks volumes.
- He makes promises that he has no intention of keeping. How many times has he vowed to be by your side for some important event and then bailed at the last minute, sometimes even without telling you? How often does he say x, y, z are going to happen only for them… not to happen? You get the point.
- He leaves you on read for hours or even days. You asked him a question or checked in to say hi because you haven’t spoken in a bit and he ignores your text. You know he’s seen your messages since he’s always attached to his phone, but he’s just not bothering to respond. Lovely.
- He blatantly lies to you. Enough said. A guy who can look you in the eye and tell you something that is categorically untrue and keep a straight face while he does it really doesn’t care about you. Enough said.
- He doesn’t make you a priority. You know he’s busy and you certainly don’t expect his world to revolve around you, but it’d be nice if you featured somewhere on his list of priorities. Instead, it seems like you’re the fallback option for when he has nothing better to do.
- He always leaves you hanging. When you’re in bed, he always gets off and then rolls over and goes to sleep. That, or he hops up and gets a shower or pulls his pants back on and heads out, leaving you to finish off yourself. What a stand-up guy.
- He never remembers anything you say. It goes in one ear and out the other because he doesn’t care about you. Now it’s time for you to stop caring about him.
Why you need to walk away
- If he sucks this much now, imagine what he’ll be like later. Men put in the most effort when they first meet you because that’s when they’re trying to make a good impression to win you over. If he’s already treating you like crap and putting in the bare minimum effort, it’ll only get worse from here. If you think things are bad now, just wait. His behavior is rife with red flags, so don’t ignore them.
- He doesn’t appreciate you. If he thinks he can get away with treating you like crap and that you’ll just stick around and put up with it because you like him, he’s got another thing coming. If he was smart (and decent!), he’d realize girls like you don’t come around often and he’d treasure you accordingly. The fact that he doesn’t realize how special you are proves that he’s not ready for a relationship with you and doesn’t actually deserve one.
- You don’t have to put up with his crap. You don’t owe him anything. You can walk away at any time, so what are you waiting for? Don’t accept his ridiculous excuses. There’s no valid explanation for his behavior. Even if he’s working three jobs and is super stressed, that’s no excuse for ignoring you, shouting at you, or generally treating you like you’re a nuisance rather than someone he actually cares about. If he liked you, he’d treat you right. It’s really not that hard.
- You have to choose happiness. You have more control over your feelings than you think. Don’t let the same man screw you over time and time again because that’s what you’re used to. Get out of your comfort zone by leaving him behind and finding someone who actually gives a damn. At the end of the day, you’re responsible for your own happiness, which means sometimes you’ll have to take action to preserve it.
- Your effort won’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t matter what you do. Sending him nudes and messaging him first won’t magically convince him to treat you better. Besides, you’re looking for a mature man who has his act together already, not a project that needs to be built up from scratch. No thanks!
- No one deserves to be treated like this. If your best friend kept going back to the same loser guy, would you keep your mouth shut? Hell no, because you know that she deserves much better than him. Be your own best friend and put your suffering to an end. You know you deserve better, so demand it.
- You’ll gain more than you’ll lose when you leave him. If you ditch him, you’ll get to say goodbye to the stress of waiting for his texts and crying over the pictures he posts with other girls. When he leaves your life, he’ll take all of your anxiety with him. It might be really hard now to imagine being happy without him, but you’re not actually happy with him, so what do you have to lose?
- His best clearly isn’t good enough. Even if he started answering your texts and actually listening when you spoke, that still wouldn’t be good enough. You don’t want someone who does the bare minimum. You need someone who goes out of his way to make you happy. Raise those standards. Besides, if you’re both being honest with yourselves, you know right well that this isn’t his best. Not by a long shot!
- You’re wasting precious time with him. Every second you spend hoping he’ll remember your birthday is a second you’re wasting away from men who actually care. Rearrange your priorities and put him at the bottom of your list. In fact, take him off of your list altogether and move on.
How to stop caring about him
Now that you know the reasons you need to detach yourself from a guy who’s no good for you, you need to figure out how to make it happen. You can’t just turn feelings on and off like a light switch. Do this instead.
- Cut off all contact with him. It goes without saying that if he doesn’t care about you, he has no place in your life. This means blocking and deleting him and having no contact with him for the foreseeable future and, well, forever. This is not only vital for self-protection but also to begin the healing process.
- Give yourself some grieving time. It doesn’t matter if you were dating for a few weeks or a few years — if you cared about him, it’s going to be upsetting to realize he doesn’t feel the same. Don’t try to pretend you don’t care or force yourself to “get over it” before you’re ready. “While it may seem appealing to fast-forward through this period of sadness by keeping busy with other things and people, the reality is the end of a relationship requires a grieving period where we process what has happened,” says relationship expert Ammanda Major.”This is a period of time where those suffering from a heartbreak can reflect on the relationship and their own behavior. Rather than trying to suppress these feelings, allowing yourself to feel them is integral to the healing process.”
- Take off the rose-colored glasses. It’s so easy to see things as better than they were, even when discovering the fact that he doesn’t give a damn about you reveals him to be a complete and utter jerk. In order to get over him, you have to see him for who he really is. “The hardest part of getting over a relationship is often not the loss of the actual person, but the loss of the fantasy of what you thought could happen,” says marriage and relationship therapist, Dr. Juliana Morris. “Don’t get stuck in the obsessive loop of why and what if.”
- Work on restoring your equilibrium. When you’re in a toxic relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you and makes that apparent, it can seriously throw you off balance. “Someone isn’t good for you when you don’t feel like the best version of yourself in the relationship,” says Samantha Burns, dating coach and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back. “Oftentimes when you’re with the wrong person, it will feel out of balance, with you giving more than you’re receiving.” That’s why it’s vital, once you’ve walked away to work on getting your sense of self-worth back. This can happen via writing/art, meditation, or even professional therapy. Only you know what you need to move on.
- See this as an opportunity rather than a failure. When you have to force yourself to stop caring about someone you really liked, you can end up feeling angry and sad that you wasted time and energy yet again. Now’s time for a shift of perspective. Instead of seeing your time with him as yet another relationship failure, see it as an opportunity instead. “A breakup is an incredible opportunity for reinvention,” says Morris. Now’s the time to “focus on reshaping your life to be the person you want to be.”