Whether or not you’ve already slept together or you’ve only just started talking, a guy asking for nudes is tacky at best and disgusting at worst. If you choose to share intimate photos with someone or not is your own choice, and that’s a whole different story, but if you’re a bit lost for words when some jerk is begging for naked pics, here’s some help:
Text a photo of Michelangelo’s David statue.
It’s not your fault he wasn’t specific. Nudes are nudes.
Text a photo of the Birth of Venus painting.
And you should probably apologize for how windy it was that day.
Tell him to send you nudes first.
But make sure to add that the only nude thing you want sent is a cheese pizza with no toppings.
Respond with quotes from Nicolas Cage movies.
Put heavy emphasis on quotes from The Wicker Man.
Send him GIFs of Frank Underwood from House of Cards.
One side-eye from the Kevin Spacey character is guaranteed to shut it down.
Tease him with, “OK, I’ll send you a pic of my breasts, they’re on the small side, but they’re juicy” and then send a pic of the chicken breasts you bought for dinner.
Corny, yes, but they’re technically your breasts.
Pretend that you don’t understand what he’s asking for.
“Nudes? What are nudes? I don’t understand. Oh, like nude photos? Why would you want those? What would you do with them? I don’t get it.”
Text him the famous photo of a naked John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
Follow it up with, “Give peace a chance.”
Ask him if Cary Grant would ever do such a thing.
Remind him what it means to be a gentleman. If he has no idea who Cary Grant is, definitely block him.
Throw your phone into the ocean.
Good luck trying to get nudes now!
Go for a simple “lol.”
Continue to use “lol” for all of his follow-up texts.
Fight nudes with politics.
Tell him to go “Make America Great Again.” Tell him that it’s Wall Street’s fault he’s not getting nudes. Add that you have no desire to see “Little Marco.”
Remind him that you’re a “never nude.”
Make as many Arrested Development reference as necessary.
Bombard him with cat facts.
Tell him to text “meow” to unsubscribe. When he texts “meow” follow that up with, “Thank you for subscribing to more cat facts!” and continue to send cat facts.
Tell him that he’s being disrespectful as hell and his mother would be ashamed, and if he really wants to see naked boobs, he can Google them, and to stop treating you like a living and breathing online sex generator.
Yeah, it’s fun to respond with obnoxious and silly texts, but there’s also nothing wrong with taking a stand and telling him he’s being rude and gross and you are a human being.
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