Rent is unaffordable for many and most millennials and Gen Z can’t afford to buy their own homes. More and more of us are staying with our parents for longer, and this can seriously affect the way we live our lives. In particular, I’m talking about dating and relationships. Since moving back home after graduating, I’ve found that my sex life has undergone quite a transformation, and not the good kind. In fact, trying to have decent sex while living at home is proving to be pretty challenging.
Why I’m still living with my parents
- My job doesn’t pay all that well. I’m making more than minimum wage at my job, but I’m definitely not banking it. If I got an apartment with a roommate, I’d end up spending the majority of my wages on rent. That wouldn’t leave me much for other bills, and I definitely wouldn’t have any extra cash to play with. Plus, saving any money would be impossible.
- I’m trying to save for a house deposit. I do pay my parents “rent” of sorts, just not as much as I’d pay elsewhere. I also buy my own food and pay for my own car/gas. However, living at home means I get to save more aggressively. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get a deposit together to buy my own place eventually.
- They like me being there (and I like it too, for the most part). I like living under the same roof as my parents. For the most part, it’s a really solid experience. The only time living at home becomes a problem is when it comes to trying to have sex with someone I’m dating. Other than that, it’s a really peaceful situation and I love having them around. They don’t seem to be in a hurry to get rid of me, either.
How living at home is killing my sex life
- It feels weird bringing guys back when my parents are in. This is possibly the biggest turn-off out there. When you get used to living a life of independence, and when your sex life really starts to flourish, having to adapt your sex life to your parents’ home can be difficult. Bringing guys home feels super weird when I know that there is just a wall between me and my parents. Even worse is when they know I have someone back because it makes me feel like an awkward teenager all over again.
- If I do bring anyone home, I have to sneak around. Though it’s rare even to catch a kiss off a guy at the doorstep, there is the odd occasion when I bring someone home. Yet, it’s almost like a covert spy operation from Mission Impossible. Only more difficult. And less fun. Whispered thoughts, haphazard tiptoeing, and cushion-muffled sighs are just extra stresses that I, the guy or anybody else just don’t need during sex.
- Sex always has to happen on the guy’s turf. When my house is ruled out, going somewhere else to sleep together is always the more attractive option. While living with your parents can lead you to think of more… imaginative ways to have sex, the most obvious choice is heading back to his. The issue I have here is that you could be going back with someone when you have no idea who they are. While I’m all for safe and consensual one-night stands, I’ve always felt safer having sex on my own turf. You have more control over the situation on the off chance it goes wrong. Also, you don’t have to make ridiculous excuses in the morning as to why you don’t want to stay longer.
- When the guy is also living at home, sex isn’t an option at all. It isn’t just women who are having issues with moving out at this age, as our male counterparts are often in the same boat. There are countless occasions where I meet a guy and we click, but where both of us have to admit through a grimace that we both still live at home. There’s no shame in that being the case, but it makes having a potentially amazing sexual encounter that much harder.
- Planning when to have sex is not sexy. I think most people would agree with me when I say that spontaneous sex is always the best kind. When you live on the same schedule as your parents, you’re likely to be in the house with them at the same time. If you need some sexual release or you just want to have a good time, you need to be in the right mood. Times when I’ve had to plan sex based on when my parents are out have always ended up being less than satisfactory. That’s because of the pressure it puts on the situation. How can you relax in that scenario?
- I can’t explore my solo sexuality. Sex doesn’t just mean hooking with other people. In fact, having a healthy solo sex life and a large dose of ‘me time’ is proven to reap benefits on both sexual and mental health. ALL kinds of sex suffer when you’re living at home. My parents have a habit of not knocking on doors before they enter. They also refuse to let me have a lock for my door even as an adult. Plus, having your dad’s snoring permeate through the walls of the house isn’t exactly the best soundtrack for getting it on.
- Orgasms have become nonexistent. It’s almost like my body has forgotten how to experience sexual pleasure. When the rare times come that I’m able to have sex or have some time to masturbate, I end up placing so much importance on having a great time that I freak out. My body just says no, not today. Apparently, not any day.
- Adventurous sex goes out the window. Having the space to have ridiculously loud sex and explore a new side of sex is always welcome, and that can’t happen when you’re living at home. When you have to restrict it to purely vanilla, often stark silent movements in the dark, it’s like waiting for the sky to light up orange at sunset, only for it to go from gray to black. There is no chance to have the sexual freedom I always thought I’d have in my twenties. On the rare occasions that I have the house to myself, I try to take advantage of it.
- It’s difficult to develop anything serious. People are lying if they say that sex isn’t important in a relationship. It is possibly THE most important (and fun) part when you really get to know someone. It’s the best way to become intimate with someone where you can really take the time to get to know what makes their body tick (and yours). Having no time and no space to yourselves to be able to cultivate a meaningful relationship can mean the fizzle can burn out before it’s had a chance to pop.